NO POSTS THIS WEEK

Sorry everyone. Too busy. 

No Posts This Week

To The Four Loyal Readers Of This Terrible Website:

I truly am sorry but there will be no posts this week. I simply can't squeeze it into my schedule. What schedule you might be asking? Believe it or not I have too much work on my plate and decided to hold out till next week. There's some good stuff out there. Especially after Thanksgiving. Plaxico Burress? Holy shit! It's news like that that just gives me a sun dial in my drawers. 

I'll be back next week. I promise. I'm working on a holiday edition that will probably be done by mid April. Also, having a special posts of the top ten coolest celebrities/musicians...who OD'd. 

Britney making a comeback. I don't think so. Cum all over her back. That's sounds more spot on.

Quitting Cigarettes

The bell tolls for me. At 32 I've finally accepted the fact that I need to quit smoking and it sucks. Don't worry, I'm riding it out till the New Year. The thing that sucks is that I have no real desire too. Other than the fact that it's terrible for me and can kill me. 

Quitting drinking wasn't that hard because I wanted too and needed too. There's only so many bouncers you can pee on and get punched in the face from where you say to yourself,"I might need to stop this." Doesn't help with an alcoholic dad and grandfather's on both sides either. With smoking, it's different. It's fucking cool. I don't give a shit what anyone says about smelling bad or that it's not socially acceptable anymore.  I simply like me butts.

I'm sticking to it and quitting though. Or, doing my best. God forbid I can't do it and have to go on some sort of quitting medication. I'll feel like such a chump.

The good news is that I'm sure that I'll get easily annoyed with a lot more people come the new year and I'll have a lot more to rant about. 

That being said, I'm smoking Camel Filterless till the December 31st. Can't seem to find a harsher cigarette out there. Any suggestions let me know. 

Way To Go Ladies

This just in. Women have been dipping their tampons in Vodka and sticking them up their cooters to get a buzz. I'm all about creativity and trying out new things for a buzz. Talk about originality. What a rush! This is a true story I promise. 

This Poor Bastard

David Pollard got caught cheating on his wife Amy Taylor. Not in real life but on a virtual online game called, "Second Life." His wife who he met on the game caught him having sex in the game and she is divorcing him. Come on Amy Give Diamond Dave a break. He's getting his rocks off online. No need for a divorce. You're no gem yourself. Think about where you found David in the first place. Nothing wrong with a little online gaming affair. Bunch of fucking nerds though. That's for sure. 

Elliot Spitzer's Hooker

The Spitzerster's hooker Ashley Dupree (pictured below) is pretty hot. That being said, his wife (pictured above) isn't bad either. 

Spitzer's wife is obviously attractive and probably a nice woman. Obviously Spitzer just got in that mode where he needed some down and dirty hotty. Poor son of a bitch couldn't have just gone on www.pornhub.com and whacked himself senseless. There's nothing wrong with thinking about another woman, but taking the time to actually put in the effort to do the deed isn't worth it. If males get a sexual desire to cheat just beat yourself and go to sleep. We have that option and it won't hurt anyone. And obviously if you get caught by your significant other asking you, "what do you think about when you masturbate?" Be honest and say," you and only you honey."

Kate Hudson Caught Making Out With A Girl

Kate Hudson was recently scene making out with a some hot, piece of ass. Not Dax Sheppard pictured here. It was a chick. On that note, how the hell does this guy pull in so much tail? Son of a bitch. 

Good for Kate. Nothing wrong with a little experimentation. It might be a little late in the game for this. That's more of a college thing and I don't want Kate to be riding on Lindsay Lohan's coattails. 

I love how it's so socially acceptable for women to "experiment" hooking up with other women. It's so common to hear from women, "I tried it once in college with my roommate."

Hopefully some day I can open up about my college days of experimenting. Not with a dude, with dust-off and opium obviously.   

Paris Hilton- Where to Begin

I don't know what I want to say about this wonderful woman. I just saw that recently she split from her tattooed boyfriend of nine months. He's in that band Good Charlotte. I didn't do the research to find out the hard on's name. 

Granted, she's attracted but once she opens up that mouth dear Lord, I want to punch her. Not in the face, just a nice jab to the gut. She will not go away and I don't think she ever will. 

I can't think of anything to write about her but I want to make it clear that I don't like her. I think she resonates awfulness and  I wish her nothing but an awful life. 

Who am I kidding, I LOVE YOU PARIS!! 

Red Wine May Be The Cure For Cancer But Does Not Help Your Driving

This just in...Red Wine is good for fighting cancer, diabetes, obesity, alzheimer's and the list goes on. Well this certainly sounds intriguing. The question then arises. It this red wine stuff is good for then I assume that I must consume it from early morning to when I go to bed. Obviously if it's good for you I want to take advantage of it. Being the health nut that I am. 

But how I am supposed to get around? Do you think I could a doctors note for this? I of course am open to riding my bike, I could put a little vino in the water bottle but come noon I'll be way too sauced to ride my bike so I will then need to drive. I need to look into this. 

PS grape juice does the same thing. Don't tell anyone though. 

Suge Knight Blaming Kanye West For A Shootout

Bottom line, you do not get on Suge Knight's bad side. This guy is the most intimidating man in the world in my opinion. He kind of lives his life like it's the wild west. Except he's wears his pants really low and somehow find jackets that are two sizes too big. No horses either. Big cars though. 

I would usually feel a sympathy for the person who Suge Knight is angry at but my eyes lit up like it was Christmas morning and saw the G.I Joe Aircraft Carrier under the tree(that was last year), when I saw that he was mad a Kanye West. Kanye is due for a royal beating. I hope Suge gets all mad and hangs him off of a hotel terrace by his feet. Apparently that's kind of his move. Kanye is definitely on the list of some of my most hated people. He has good music. Not that I ever listened to that jibber-jabber but he's a cocky fucker and needs a little beating. I would love to see that. 

Stable Girl Kills Herself In Front Of Paula Abdul's House

I'm sure Paula Abdul is handling this very well as she herself seems like a stable woman. After Paula Godspeed was rejected on American Idol she went into a downward spiral of pills and eventually killed herself. On a side note, pills seems to be the new thing. I wish I was cool enough to know a doctor back in the day that could get me "PILLS." "What you need Trevor?" "I just need some pills. Get on it DOC!" 

This is indeed a tragic story but I can't help but think that it's somewhat mean to take your own life and then put guilt on someone for why you did it. Abdul herself is a basket case and I'm sure is no stranger to "pills." She certainly doesn't deserve this. Goodspeed (what a last name by the way) probably should have done in front of Cowell's house. I think Abdul for good reason is the nicest judge on that show (not that I've ever watched it) because she's afraid of shit like this happening to her. 

So I am sorry for Goodspeed taking her own life (wasn't that Nicolas's Cage last name in The Rock), and I feel bad for Abdul as well. Hopefully she'll get over this and not have any guilt as this was not her fault in the least. If it makes her feel any better I think she's still kind of spicy in her old age and her craziness intrigues me. 

I'm sure she's an avid reader of this poopy website so I just want her to know that I'm rooting for her. You crazy ex Mrs. Estevez, big breasted,  latino. 

Getting Caught Looking At The Personals In The Back Of The Newspaper

I find myself sometimes perusing the back certain newspapers and looking at the personals in the adult entertainment section. It's not that I would have ever worry about getting caught reading them. I  could care less. I've been known to read a porno on a plane to see the reactions...I've been known to do a lot of things though. 

The thing that gets me is that there's some pretty twisted stuff back there. Chicks with dicks, Asian women who will beat you. Not dominatrix, just straight up beatings. 

So imagine one day that you say to yourself, "I think I'm going to make a call and see if this Asian woman with a penis has some time in her schedule to beat me." Now, imagine going over and getting arrested. There's no way these things are safe. Safe of course is just meeting a hooker on the street and going home with her. Forget Elliot Spitzer. He just got caught hooking. How much would it suck to have some twisted fetish and you get arrested for it. Then you had to explain to your wife, girlfriend, friends, mistress with a penis about your recent "situation." 

I just think it's interesting. Be safe with your fetishes is all that I hope for. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to take a shower and shove a shampoo bottle up my ass. Now that's safe. 

When Does Being Different, Get To A Point Where You Are Too Different And I Can Be Annoyed At You?

I was at a concert last night. Saw Ron Jeremy which was kind of cool but off topic. I had a guy in front of me. Came in with a heavy set girl and was dressed in a button down. Looked pretty normal. Once the band started he left and came back in shorst, bandanna, and a t-shirt. He started dancing like a mad man. I would describe it as violent hippy dancing. About half way in the show he took off his shirt and the guy just was acting out of his mind. The whole crowd was watching this mad men in shock. 

Now, the first conclusion that I am came to is that he was on something pretty strong. I couldn't figure out what though. Maybe ecstasy but that's no excuse. I might be not be the best judge of how to act on Ecstasy. My idea of a good time on ecstasy was just popping one and going to a bar to get hammered. Their might have been the occasional,"Excuse me Ms? Do you mind if I lick your hand?" Other than that there was no dancing that bordered on scary. 

Then I thought, maybe this is just one of those guys who just acts weird to act weird. It's annoying. There was a guy right next to me who was dancing and God bless him. He looked like an ass but he was really into the music and seemed to be having a good time. That's okay with me. But to take your shirt off and basically cause a scene is just fucking absurd. 

There are a lot of people out there that I think take being different to a new level. I get it, you're original, blah, blah, blah. But is it just me or does anyone else think that they got to have some other issues? It just pissed me off and to be honest. If he looked over and said something like," what are you looking at?" I probably would have punched him just for the sake that I could right that I punched him.

For all I know though, the guy was riding some hardcore Belushi speedball and dropped dead after the concert. Who knows?

I Didn't Know Samuel Jackson Was Obama's Dad?

MGD Just Made The List

What a travesty. Miller Genuine Draft coming up with a lower calorie beer. You drink these pussy beers you're liable to grow tits. Here's a hint, if you're fat, don't drink beer you idiot. 

I am really angry at Miller for doing this. If they put a low calorie high life beer out there I will cry. The Champagne of Beers must remain untouched. That stuff tasted God Awful. Brings back some great memories. I think a real test of man hood is trying to drink a high life in the morning with a hang over. Hurts so good! 

I might use this piss 64 calorie beer to brush my teeth. That's about it though. 

Don't Get Caught With This Thing

If woman actually buy this thing they might have issues.

Coming from my perspective if I get lonely I just put two pillows together and hump them. It's much easier than trying to explain why this thing is in your closet.

Of course because I am a man this will never become an issue because no male out there would ever resort to this in the female version. 

John Turturro's Brother Out Of His Fucking Mind

John Turturro's brother Frank Turturro has apparently gone all batty. I could even find a picture of this crazy bastard online and I apologize. Apparently he's been running around his apartment at all hours of the night threatening to murder everybody. I wish brother's of famous actors could just shut the fuck up and let their brother's do a good job and try and stay out of the public eye. 

I think a good example of someone like this and also someone who the not so talented brother's can look too for inspiration is...

FS

YOU GUESSED IT. FRANK STALLONE!!

You Stupid Cunt

As if the Republican Party needed more shit to deal with during their horrible campaign.  

This dumb bitch Ashley Todd decides to cut a "B" in her cheek and say that some black men did it. Of course she did it in a mirror so the "B" was backwards. I hope this follows her for the rest of her life. 

George Clinton Storing His DNA

So George Clinton has decided to store his DNA so when he dies and technology improves they can clone him. That's a nice gesture but I think the Earth will be okay without him. Don't get me wrong he's "funkmaster" and all that shit but he's not that great in my opinion. I mean how many times can you use terms like, "let's get funked up" and "I want to funk you."

I saw this guy in Nantucket after one of his concerts smoking crack without hesitation. Right in the middle of the party. So being that he struggles with addictions maybe I am wrong and he might be a good asset to this planet once it's all cleaned up. 

Obama says,"Brothers, stop Sagging."

The President has spoken. As if I can't like Obama anymore he attacks people wearing their pants too low. This stemmed from a town who wants to make it illegal to wear your pants low. Obama cited that the law is ridiculous but did say,"I don't want to see their underwear."

Now you might think that I am targeting the black race as a whole and I'm not. Being a black man you get the privilege of pretty much wearing whatever you want. Basically because you can get away with it. I don't necessarily agree with it but who cares. I never jumped on the band wagon when LL Cool J decided to put one pant leg up. The reason...I thought it looked stupid. If you like it though, then wear it.

The people who I am really targeting are the white people copying the black people's style. I wonder if this comes off as racist. If it does then keep in mind that I am racist, against white people trying to act black.  

Court Officers Get Caught Drinking At Lunch

Apparently 16 officers of a court in Manhattan NY were caught drinking during their lunch. They used to come in to this bar and as the owner says it, "drank like frat boys till they had to go back on duty." 

That's unbelievable. Not so much because of the drinking but because they didn't get caught doing anything while on the job after lunch all twisted up. I would be a disaster if I went back to work all banged up with a gun strapped to my belt. I'd probably be trying to make out with prostitutes and I would definitely be shooting my pistol up in the air cowboy style. Probably come in riding a horse as well. 

McCain's Election Night Party

Did anyone notice the crowd at McCain's party held at the Roosevelt Hotel in Arizona? They were all middle aged white people with the exception of a couple young, ignorant people in their twenties who were probably brain washed by their ignorant parents. I learned later that McCain's party was only by invitation only and it cost a fee to be allowed entrance. 

Obama however, held his party in a park in Chicago that was free of charge and for obvious reasons had such a diverse crowd. 

Interesting to see that even on election night the Republican party couldn't do it right. 

Top 5 Ways To Be A Better Driver in LA

I've never seen such terrible drivers since I moved out to the Smog City. Just awful. Here are a couple things that you can do to improve your driving even if you don't live in LA.

1) Use a turn signal. It's not so hard. Just a quick move with your left hand. There might he some wrist and forearm that you have to use as well but you can do it.

2) If you pass the street that you wanted to turn on don't jam on your brakes and do a u-turn. I promise that you will be able to get back to that street. It's not going anywhere.

3) When driving on the highway the left lane is for people driving fast. If you are on your cell phone simply change lanes. 

4) If you are holding up traffic trying to make a left hand turn where there is no light, here's an idea, turn right and then turn into a street where there is a light for you. 

5) If you're an old, Asian, women you should not be on the road. I said it. All licenses revoked for Asian women when they turn 50. 

John Daly Arrested Outside of Hooters For Public Drunkenness

This guy struggles. Apparently he was found outside of a Hooters which was closed trying to get in to get some wingies and see some boobskis. He has no idea how he got there. Daly wasn't charged with anything and spent the night in the slammer.

This guy's a disaster. He's fun to hear about though.

He played a golf course that I played one time and I met the caddy who caddied with him. Apparently he drank approximately 18 Bacardi and Diet Cokes and smoked a pack of butts. Diet Coke because he's watching his weight. 

Gary Busey on Celebrity Rehab VH1

How crazy is this guy? He's one of the patients on Celebrity Rehab which is a great show. Talk about a show that makes you feel good about yourself after watching. The funny thing about Busey is that he's been sober for thirteen years but he might be the craziest person the show. Absolute lunatic. He's convinced that he's there as an "advisor" and pretends he's part of the staff. It's fantastic.

I saw Busey on time driving down the PCH in LA on a beat up Mercedes with the top down smoking a cigar. I was going to try and get a picture of him with my cell phone but at the last minute I stopped because I assumed that if Busey saw me there's a strong possibility that he'd stone me to death with his giant teeth. 

If you haven't seen the show Steven Adler, the original drummer from Guns N' Roses in on too. This guy got kicked out of GnR for doing too much drugs. That must have been pretty hard to do. You'll see why when you watch the show. Big time struggler. 

Elizabeth Hasselbeck Politely Asked By Republican Party To Tone Down On Her McCain/Palin Edorsement

This came after she started to be photographed next to Palin during her campaign. What an awful campaign the Republican party had this year. Hasslebeck for being a hotty is painful to listen too. 

I also recently read that out of all the hosts on The View she gets the most death threats. I'm dead serious. That's quite an accomplishments considering the other hosts. 

Cookin' With Coolio

The geniuses at that Oxygen channel which is a women's TV station came up with this new show. 

Imagine the pitch meeting. "I got a great idea. We get a rapper who hasn't made an album in twenty years, and have him cook on a show. Will then invite all of his children who are now pretty much grown up to cook with him and see the awkward tension in the kitchen since he barely knows any of his kids names."

Actually that sounds like a good idea.

Girl Sues Bar For Getting Hurt Riding The Mechanical Bar

Can you believe this? Some drunk girl (she's def fat) is suing a bar in Queens NY where she got hurt riding a mechanical bull.   

This is probably the same girl who goes around to bars, gets drunk and gets pulled over and triesto sue the bar for over serving her. 

Maybe you shouldn't get up on the bull if you're hammered and have no athletic ability. 

Walking into a bar and seeing a mechanical bull in pretty much the same thing  as if Jesus descended down from the heavens and told me that I am the chosen one (happens about twice a year). 

Cut the bar a break fatty mcbutter pants. 

Marilyn Manson Makes Satanism Sound Kind Of Fun

Marilyn Manson said, "To me, Lucifer is a hero. He wanted to be God and wasn't going to accept someone else's rules, so he got kicked out of heaven and made his own rules. I grew up feeling I could never fit in. One day I realized I didn't want to. I could make my own standards and live by them. So, now I tell people don't be afraid. If what you do ticks someone off, too bad. Make everybody happy and you're an idiot." 

This guy must have gotten his ass kicked growing up!

The Pick Up Artist-Show on VH1

There's a show on VH1 with a guy (pictured ) who is known as "The Pickup Artist." He basically coaches people on how to pick up girls. It's a reality show and you can be kicked off for reasons like, "not exuding enough confidence."

Did I miss something? Are people really taking advice on how to pick up femanitas from this clown. Maybe I am just so out of the loop that giant fur hats, make up, ear piercings and neck tattoos are in. If anything, that would be a great Halloween Costume. 

I'd like to start a show called "Let's Beat Up The Pick Up Artist." Because if this guy walked into a Haunt of mine and I was feeling a bit tipsy he'd get a beating. I'm not afraid to say it. Especially if he had girls around him. I would be so jealous.

I'm off to The Gap to see if they are selling these giant hats. I like the buttons on his jacket too. Very Civil War esque. What a numb nut. 

Sarah Palin Wigs Are The Big Hit In Jewish Communities In The Big Apple

It's a shame the Jewish Community hasn't realized that Sarah Palin is a member of a congregation at a Church who believes that they can change homosexuals into heterosexual and convert Jews to Christianity. 

I'm pretty psyched that I don't have to hear that bitch after today. I feel bad for McCain picking that weirdo. But he's old as fuck. Cut that crazy POW a break. 

Stars Checking Into Hospitals For Exhaustion

I am so sick of seeing the above headline with a star attached to it. If stars are trying to be coy with their struggles with addictions checking into a hospital for "exhaustion" is way too played out. Wouldn't it be easier to avoid the press by sleeping it off in your own house? I've done some fair amount of damage with my propensity for getting a little loose and never once have I wanted to get over to a hospital and sleep on a plastic pillow and have some ugly nurse (never have I had a attractive one and I've spent a lot of time in hospitals) waking me up to feed me apple sauce.

If anyone needs to check into a hospital for exhaustion it's this guy in the picture. Not only must he be tired but his back must be killing him. I'm not sure if he's a star. It might be the guy with the squinty eye from Big Trouble in Little China but don't quote me on that. 

No Posts This Week

I'm battling a terrible cold and have too much other work to do. Work that entails making money...kind of. I did call my cell phone and leave myself a message with some dreadful lie as to why I am sick and can't come into work. Work meaning getting off my couch and walking into my office. It involved being around circus animals and eating too much cotton candy. 

If anyone reads this God Awful excuse for a website I'm already on the up and up and be back with new posts next week. Don't get your panties in a bunch. 

Word of advice though...do not snort nasal spray when you are lying on the couch so your head is facing up. It's horrific. I really struggle when I decide to put my own twists on medicines. Don't worry though. I'm not snorting thera-flu I promise. 

Top Five Reason Why I Love Dive Bars

1) You can get away with murder in those places. Peeing in the side pocket of a pool table is just another Tuesday afternoon for the staff.

2) I always feel so welcome. Looking back I'm sure that the patrons saw me a mile away and realized that if they were nice to this preppy, pussy boy who's wearing Carhartt's to try and fit in they'll probably be able to rustle a free drink out of me. 

3) If you saddle up to a regular in the establishment you'll learn quickly that the conversation gets weird pretty fast. The only thing that can put the two of you on the same plane is booze. I can't begin to think how much time I wasted in some really creepy conversations. The creepiness coming from me in my inebriated state obviously. 

4) It's cheap. For some reason I felt like I found the fucking Holy Grail when I discovered that a bar has canned beers for 2.50 a pop. I'd then probably try and go town mayor on the joint and give the tender a five every time so that it looked like I was a high roller. 

5) They got tons of games. When you're in a dive bar you're probably not in there to get laid. You might get laid later on in the evening when you are ass wasted but it probably won't be with a women that you are going to keep in touch with. I think these owners realize that and when guys sit around they run out of conversation quickly once the topic of pussy has run out. So then you have the whole night to play pool, darts, golden tee, shuffle puck, buck-hunting and the list goes on. It's a great way to keep degenerates like me entertained. 

The Seek/Scan Buttons On Car Radios Are Dead To Me

I've discovered one thing in life that the better it works the shittier it actually is. This feature has been improved so much over the years that now it actually functions worse than it used too. The beast that I speak of is the seek/scan feature button on car radios. Now I realize that in this day of satellite radio and ipods this doesn't have a huge effect on most people, but I like to rock it old school from time to time and get down with some straight up terrestrial radio. In my car if I press the seek/scan button I have hopes of it whipping through the dial at an inhuman rate of speed until if finds a tune that is sufficient to jam too. However this friggin' piece of technology thinks it's doing me a favor by stopping on every station with the slightest hint of actual sound that has a static ratio of less than 95%. I'm not looking for my scan/seek button to find some touch-hole with a ham radio broadcasting from Wichita and spending the next 5 seconds of my life trying to decipher through the static if what I'm hearing is a Satanical rant or his favorite Abba remix. I could do that spinning the tuner Pat Sajak style on my own.

-post sent in by Big Mo

You Know You've Found The Right Women When...

You can actually say, "I need to take a poop." Probably the hardest thing in relationships is figuring out when your going to take a shit. You got to sneak into public restrooms and crank one out real quick so she doesn't expect anything. There comes a time though when you realize that you have to admit that you have to go to the bathroom and it might stink afterwards. It's a big step in the relationship. Some people feel it's when you say, "I love you." For me it's, "Honey...I really got to poop."

McCain On Letterman

McCaine went on Letterman to admit that he "screwed up" by canceling his appearance a couple of weeks back to say that he had to get back to DC which was a bold faced lie. The interview went pretty well. Bottom line is McCaine is good guy. He's old as fuck though. I feel sorry for him when he's trying to be funny because he's just too old. He's like the dad who your friend had in high school who would come down to the basement and hang out and drink beers with you. He'd think he was fitting in but you would be thinking, "get out of here old man." Letterman made fun of Palin for obvious reasons and McCaine feels that she can run a country and use past Presidents reminding us of where they came from. One was President Clinton who was Governor or Arkansas. Good point but Letterman then addressed the fact that our country is in turmoil right now and we don't want the Governor of Alaska in there trying to run our country.

I understand what the Republican Party was thinking getting Palin on the ticket but again, McCaine's fucking old and he might die and I don't want Palin running our country. I can honestly say that the big reason I don't want her is because of her accent. I said it. She sounds like an idiot. 

McDonalds has Turned Me Into Pavlov's Dog

I don't eat fast food much and when I do I walk into the joint and shake my head in disgust at all the fat people eating there. 

That being said, when I make a commitment and eat at McDonalds the moment I enter those doors I literally start to drool. It's disgusting. I then eat to the point where I feel like I am going to throw up because I feel like I am giving my body a treat. Obviously my body doesn't agree with me as I spend the rest of the day fighting a terrible fast food hang over. I then say I'm never going to eat there again and of course I do. I'm officially insane.

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. 

Fall Back-Best Holiday Ever

If you're like me the and strive for excellence in every arena of you're life then you might get a little tired. Don't worry, fall back is approaching. It's not recognized as a holiday but should be. Coming up in a couple of weeks we get an extra hour of sleep. The great thing about this is if you forget about it you show up to work an hour early and look like a hard-worker. Spring Ahead haunts my nightmares. 

Booze Waters Down Your Mind And Leads To Long Term Loss Of Brain Volume

A new study says that booze and brain loss go hand in hand. Who gives a fuck? This is just a waste of time and money for scientists. We get it. Drinking is not good for you. It's not going to stop anyone. They should do a new study saying, "Just revealed, boys in college have absolutely no confidence and can't talk to girls or last more than a minute in bed without booze." 

When anyone says something regarding brain loss from drinking I just say Hemmingway was a drunk and he was a brilliant writer. I even have a couple of books in my bookshelf. Don't ask me if I read them, I said I have a couple of his books. 

The Mangroomer

If you're like me and are considered one of the hairiest men alive this bad boy is for you. As I get older hair increases to grow on my body. It's awful. I found this puppy though to take care of the back situation. Of course it causes rashing and terrible itching but it's worth it. I just put myself in a women's shoes (not literally) and if they can pluck their eyebrows and get their gashes waxed then I can handle the mangroomer. 

W The Movie

I caught this flick over the weekend and it's pretty good. To all the die hard republicans don't worry. It wasn't written by Oliver Stone so it's pretty accurate in the depiction of our worst President ever. It showed that this guy really isn't the brightest of guys and basically failed at everything in his life and decided to ride on the coattails of daddy and become President. You can't help but feel somewhat sorry for the dude. He's just not a smart guy. 

What it really taught me is that we shouldn't be voting for people to become our President who are the kind of people  you would like to go out and have a beer with. 

If I ever sat down with a President I would hope to leave and go, "Wow he or she uses big words." Not so with W. 

I'm Getting Too Old To Wait In Lines

It's not like I've ever loved waiting in lines but recently it's eating me up. It's not so much the lines as the people who are taking a half an hour doing God knows what. Whether it's checking in for a flight or renting a car. What could possibly be taking so long? Is the person really complaining about the car that the rental car company picked out and wants a new one? I don't know what's going on but show a little consideration for other people waiting. 

And there's no way I'm waiting in a line to get into a bar or a club at my age. Especially if there's some twenty-two year old cunt looking at what I'm wearing to see if my clothes will be the appropriate dress code for the bar or club. I'm too fucking old and way too fucking sober to go through that bullshit. 

Please Forgive My Tardiness

I know you've been worried sick since I didn't do my weekly post on time but all is well. My power and cable went out on Friday night. Kind of a bitch. Got my power back on Saturday and the cable guy was supposed to come over between 12-5 on Saturday but never showed. 

Now I know I should have wireless but I don't. I actually write everything with a feathered pen on a piece of paper and get a pony express to deliver it to some nerd named Herman who knows how to post this crap that I write. I use the internet solely for porn. Hard core porn. Weird stuff. Chicks getting peed on and stuff like that. Needless to say I've been really stressed out. 

So I waited till Tuesday 9-12. Never showed. So I called. Apparently he was running late and when they run late they just cancel without calling. Luckily I called and they told me that he would be there in 15 minutes. I called them back every 15 minutes getting the same response till 4:30. When the guy finally came over he said, "You know you didn't have to hang around. We just need to fix something outside." 

I'm not going to get into it but if you're late just give me a call. Why is it that in our society when the cable's out there's just no way that there showing up on time? It's the same thing with Doctors. I've never been seen at the time of my appointment. I told my most recent Doctor that he beat the record and actually had me waiting for two hours. That's pretty impressive. 

I don't mind tardiness just let me know.  Wouldn't it be great to hear, "Hey dude it's the cable guy. I know I am supposed to be there between nine and noon but I feel awful from getting royally shit faced last night. I'm going to get some sleep, get something greasy to eat and be over at one. I promise." 

Top Five Worst Places To Go On A First Date

1) A Movie: Seems innocent enough but it could go terrible. For example; If there's any type of romance in the movie or a sex scene it gets really awkward. You can get over that though. The worst thing is that if the girl asks questions in the movie or doesn't laugh at the things that you are laughing at. I can pretty much tell when I go to a movie with a girl if I'll ever hang out with her again. On a positive note. If it's a laugh out loud comedy she might be a snorter when she laughs so you can cut bate quickly. You can't be rolling around with a snorter on your arm.

2) A concert: Sure you might get tickets to a great concert and want to show some hotty how you roll with your great seats and all but be careful. A) You can't talk at all which is kind of weird. B) She might be a terrible dancer and you start to get laughed out. c) She might want you to dance. Some girls don't find the head bobbing sufficient. D) You might be a raging alcoholic and get into a fight with someone in the crowd or throw up on her (done both).

3) A Sporting Event: Again, on the surface it might seem like a good idea. Show her what a big shot you are. She might get scared though if you are really into the game and even offended because you are ignoring her. What's probably going to happen is that she's going to ask you a bunch of idiotic questions and you'll want to punch her in the boob.

4) A Museum or something out of your element: Unless you can get away with being an idiot (I do it quite well) and she likes that kind of guy, your going to come off as an idiot because you don't know anything. Or, you might come off as an asshole since you are not interested at all.

5) A party where you don't know anyone: A first date is way too premature to be meeting her friends. I of course go town mayor on the joint and they all love me (I say this to myself), but watch out for the dudes. If you're anything like me when a new guy comes in the mix he immediately needs to prove himself. I got plenty of guy friends, not looking for anymore. There's also the possibility that you might run into one of her exes or a guy that has a crush on her. Luckily for us every ex and every guy who liked a girl that we are with isn't as cool as us. Prove to the guy that you don't like him and that you will fight him if he would like too.  

Rings & Flowers-what a waste.

So as guys we've learned that if we do something wrong we need to buy our significant other flowers. We buy something that costs us around 50 or 100 dollars that lasts a week and then dies. I would be happier lighting a cool fire to 100 dollars then having to buy flowers.

And then of course the lovely engagement ring. We as men have to save up 3 months salary to buy a rock....a rock. Not a car, not a trip, not a giant giraffe...a rock. Enough said. 

I Can't Even Take Care Of Plants

I recently made a big change in my life and bought six plants for my apartment. When I got each plant I asked the plantiologist if these were easy plants to take care of. He told me that all of them live long if you water them once a week. 

So I've been doing just like he says but all their limbs are falling off and making me feel like a terrible dad. Did you know that you can actually water a plant too much and they can drown. What the fuck?

Apparently every plant comes with something that tells you how to take care of them. It's a little plastic piece in the dirt. I obviously threw that out. We'll see who the strongest plant is. I'm going to stop watering them all. Make it a challenge. Poor guys. 

Bookies In Trouble Due To Economy

Apparently there's been a big problem with bookies having trouble collecting money due to the economy and their clientele hasn't been able to pay up.

They've gone back to the old school and resorted to breaking legs and what not. What a shame.

I feel for the coke dealers and strippers as well. Times are tough.