Quitting Cigarettes

The bell tolls for me. At 32 I've finally accepted the fact that I need to quit smoking and it sucks. Don't worry, I'm riding it out till the New Year. The thing that sucks is that I have no real desire too. Other than the fact that it's terrible for me and can kill me. 

Quitting drinking wasn't that hard because I wanted too and needed too. There's only so many bouncers you can pee on and get punched in the face from where you say to yourself,"I might need to stop this." Doesn't help with an alcoholic dad and grandfather's on both sides either. With smoking, it's different. It's fucking cool. I don't give a shit what anyone says about smelling bad or that it's not socially acceptable anymore.  I simply like me butts.

I'm sticking to it and quitting though. Or, doing my best. God forbid I can't do it and have to go on some sort of quitting medication. I'll feel like such a chump.

The good news is that I'm sure that I'll get easily annoyed with a lot more people come the new year and I'll have a lot more to rant about. 

That being said, I'm smoking Camel Filterless till the December 31st. Can't seem to find a harsher cigarette out there. Any suggestions let me know. 

Way To Go Ladies

This just in. Women have been dipping their tampons in Vodka and sticking them up their cooters to get a buzz. I'm all about creativity and trying out new things for a buzz. Talk about originality. What a rush! This is a true story I promise. 

This Poor Bastard

David Pollard got caught cheating on his wife Amy Taylor. Not in real life but on a virtual online game called, "Second Life." His wife who he met on the game caught him having sex in the game and she is divorcing him. Come on Amy Give Diamond Dave a break. He's getting his rocks off online. No need for a divorce. You're no gem yourself. Think about where you found David in the first place. Nothing wrong with a little online gaming affair. Bunch of fucking nerds though. That's for sure. 

Elliot Spitzer's Hooker

The Spitzerster's hooker Ashley Dupree (pictured below) is pretty hot. That being said, his wife (pictured above) isn't bad either. 

Spitzer's wife is obviously attractive and probably a nice woman. Obviously Spitzer just got in that mode where he needed some down and dirty hotty. Poor son of a bitch couldn't have just gone on www.pornhub.com and whacked himself senseless. There's nothing wrong with thinking about another woman, but taking the time to actually put in the effort to do the deed isn't worth it. If males get a sexual desire to cheat just beat yourself and go to sleep. We have that option and it won't hurt anyone. And obviously if you get caught by your significant other asking you, "what do you think about when you masturbate?" Be honest and say," you and only you honey."

Kate Hudson Caught Making Out With A Girl

Kate Hudson was recently scene making out with a some hot, piece of ass. Not Dax Sheppard pictured here. It was a chick. On that note, how the hell does this guy pull in so much tail? Son of a bitch. 

Good for Kate. Nothing wrong with a little experimentation. It might be a little late in the game for this. That's more of a college thing and I don't want Kate to be riding on Lindsay Lohan's coattails. 

I love how it's so socially acceptable for women to "experiment" hooking up with other women. It's so common to hear from women, "I tried it once in college with my roommate."

Hopefully some day I can open up about my college days of experimenting. Not with a dude, with dust-off and opium obviously.   

Paris Hilton- Where to Begin

I don't know what I want to say about this wonderful woman. I just saw that recently she split from her tattooed boyfriend of nine months. He's in that band Good Charlotte. I didn't do the research to find out the hard on's name. 

Granted, she's attracted but once she opens up that mouth dear Lord, I want to punch her. Not in the face, just a nice jab to the gut. She will not go away and I don't think she ever will. 

I can't think of anything to write about her but I want to make it clear that I don't like her. I think she resonates awfulness and  I wish her nothing but an awful life. 

Who am I kidding, I LOVE YOU PARIS!! 

Red Wine May Be The Cure For Cancer But Does Not Help Your Driving

This just in...Red Wine is good for fighting cancer, diabetes, obesity, alzheimer's and the list goes on. Well this certainly sounds intriguing. The question then arises. It this red wine stuff is good for then I assume that I must consume it from early morning to when I go to bed. Obviously if it's good for you I want to take advantage of it. Being the health nut that I am. 

But how I am supposed to get around? Do you think I could a doctors note for this? I of course am open to riding my bike, I could put a little vino in the water bottle but come noon I'll be way too sauced to ride my bike so I will then need to drive. I need to look into this. 

PS grape juice does the same thing. Don't tell anyone though. 

Suge Knight Blaming Kanye West For A Shootout

Bottom line, you do not get on Suge Knight's bad side. This guy is the most intimidating man in the world in my opinion. He kind of lives his life like it's the wild west. Except he's wears his pants really low and somehow find jackets that are two sizes too big. No horses either. Big cars though. 

I would usually feel a sympathy for the person who Suge Knight is angry at but my eyes lit up like it was Christmas morning and saw the G.I Joe Aircraft Carrier under the tree(that was last year), when I saw that he was mad a Kanye West. Kanye is due for a royal beating. I hope Suge gets all mad and hangs him off of a hotel terrace by his feet. Apparently that's kind of his move. Kanye is definitely on the list of some of my most hated people. He has good music. Not that I ever listened to that jibber-jabber but he's a cocky fucker and needs a little beating. I would love to see that. 

Stable Girl Kills Herself In Front Of Paula Abdul's House

I'm sure Paula Abdul is handling this very well as she herself seems like a stable woman. After Paula Godspeed was rejected on American Idol she went into a downward spiral of pills and eventually killed herself. On a side note, pills seems to be the new thing. I wish I was cool enough to know a doctor back in the day that could get me "PILLS." "What you need Trevor?" "I just need some pills. Get on it DOC!" 

This is indeed a tragic story but I can't help but think that it's somewhat mean to take your own life and then put guilt on someone for why you did it. Abdul herself is a basket case and I'm sure is no stranger to "pills." She certainly doesn't deserve this. Goodspeed (what a last name by the way) probably should have done in front of Cowell's house. I think Abdul for good reason is the nicest judge on that show (not that I've ever watched it) because she's afraid of shit like this happening to her. 

So I am sorry for Goodspeed taking her own life (wasn't that Nicolas's Cage last name in The Rock), and I feel bad for Abdul as well. Hopefully she'll get over this and not have any guilt as this was not her fault in the least. If it makes her feel any better I think she's still kind of spicy in her old age and her craziness intrigues me. 

I'm sure she's an avid reader of this poopy website so I just want her to know that I'm rooting for her. You crazy ex Mrs. Estevez, big breasted,  latino. 

Getting Caught Looking At The Personals In The Back Of The Newspaper

I find myself sometimes perusing the back certain newspapers and looking at the personals in the adult entertainment section. It's not that I would have ever worry about getting caught reading them. I  could care less. I've been known to read a porno on a plane to see the reactions...I've been known to do a lot of things though. 

The thing that gets me is that there's some pretty twisted stuff back there. Chicks with dicks, Asian women who will beat you. Not dominatrix, just straight up beatings. 

So imagine one day that you say to yourself, "I think I'm going to make a call and see if this Asian woman with a penis has some time in her schedule to beat me." Now, imagine going over and getting arrested. There's no way these things are safe. Safe of course is just meeting a hooker on the street and going home with her. Forget Elliot Spitzer. He just got caught hooking. How much would it suck to have some twisted fetish and you get arrested for it. Then you had to explain to your wife, girlfriend, friends, mistress with a penis about your recent "situation." 

I just think it's interesting. Be safe with your fetishes is all that I hope for. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to take a shower and shove a shampoo bottle up my ass. Now that's safe. 

When Does Being Different, Get To A Point Where You Are Too Different And I Can Be Annoyed At You?

I was at a concert last night. Saw Ron Jeremy which was kind of cool but off topic. I had a guy in front of me. Came in with a heavy set girl and was dressed in a button down. Looked pretty normal. Once the band started he left and came back in shorst, bandanna, and a t-shirt. He started dancing like a mad man. I would describe it as violent hippy dancing. About half way in the show he took off his shirt and the guy just was acting out of his mind. The whole crowd was watching this mad men in shock. 

Now, the first conclusion that I am came to is that he was on something pretty strong. I couldn't figure out what though. Maybe ecstasy but that's no excuse. I might be not be the best judge of how to act on Ecstasy. My idea of a good time on ecstasy was just popping one and going to a bar to get hammered. Their might have been the occasional,"Excuse me Ms? Do you mind if I lick your hand?" Other than that there was no dancing that bordered on scary. 

Then I thought, maybe this is just one of those guys who just acts weird to act weird. It's annoying. There was a guy right next to me who was dancing and God bless him. He looked like an ass but he was really into the music and seemed to be having a good time. That's okay with me. But to take your shirt off and basically cause a scene is just fucking absurd. 

There are a lot of people out there that I think take being different to a new level. I get it, you're original, blah, blah, blah. But is it just me or does anyone else think that they got to have some other issues? It just pissed me off and to be honest. If he looked over and said something like," what are you looking at?" I probably would have punched him just for the sake that I could right that I punched him.

For all I know though, the guy was riding some hardcore Belushi speedball and dropped dead after the concert. Who knows?

I Didn't Know Samuel Jackson Was Obama's Dad?

MGD Just Made The List

What a travesty. Miller Genuine Draft coming up with a lower calorie beer. You drink these pussy beers you're liable to grow tits. Here's a hint, if you're fat, don't drink beer you idiot. 

I am really angry at Miller for doing this. If they put a low calorie high life beer out there I will cry. The Champagne of Beers must remain untouched. That stuff tasted God Awful. Brings back some great memories. I think a real test of man hood is trying to drink a high life in the morning with a hang over. Hurts so good! 

I might use this piss 64 calorie beer to brush my teeth. That's about it though. 

Don't Get Caught With This Thing

If woman actually buy this thing they might have issues.

Coming from my perspective if I get lonely I just put two pillows together and hump them. It's much easier than trying to explain why this thing is in your closet.

Of course because I am a man this will never become an issue because no male out there would ever resort to this in the female version. 

John Turturro's Brother Out Of His Fucking Mind

John Turturro's brother Frank Turturro has apparently gone all batty. I could even find a picture of this crazy bastard online and I apologize. Apparently he's been running around his apartment at all hours of the night threatening to murder everybody. I wish brother's of famous actors could just shut the fuck up and let their brother's do a good job and try and stay out of the public eye. 

I think a good example of someone like this and also someone who the not so talented brother's can look too for inspiration is...

FS

YOU GUESSED IT. FRANK STALLONE!!

You Stupid Cunt

As if the Republican Party needed more shit to deal with during their horrible campaign.  

This dumb bitch Ashley Todd decides to cut a "B" in her cheek and say that some black men did it. Of course she did it in a mirror so the "B" was backwards. I hope this follows her for the rest of her life. 

George Clinton Storing His DNA

So George Clinton has decided to store his DNA so when he dies and technology improves they can clone him. That's a nice gesture but I think the Earth will be okay without him. Don't get me wrong he's "funkmaster" and all that shit but he's not that great in my opinion. I mean how many times can you use terms like, "let's get funked up" and "I want to funk you."

I saw this guy in Nantucket after one of his concerts smoking crack without hesitation. Right in the middle of the party. So being that he struggles with addictions maybe I am wrong and he might be a good asset to this planet once it's all cleaned up. 

Obama says,"Brothers, stop Sagging."

The President has spoken. As if I can't like Obama anymore he attacks people wearing their pants too low. This stemmed from a town who wants to make it illegal to wear your pants low. Obama cited that the law is ridiculous but did say,"I don't want to see their underwear."

Now you might think that I am targeting the black race as a whole and I'm not. Being a black man you get the privilege of pretty much wearing whatever you want. Basically because you can get away with it. I don't necessarily agree with it but who cares. I never jumped on the band wagon when LL Cool J decided to put one pant leg up. The reason...I thought it looked stupid. If you like it though, then wear it.

The people who I am really targeting are the white people copying the black people's style. I wonder if this comes off as racist. If it does then keep in mind that I am racist, against white people trying to act black.  

Court Officers Get Caught Drinking At Lunch

Apparently 16 officers of a court in Manhattan NY were caught drinking during their lunch. They used to come in to this bar and as the owner says it, "drank like frat boys till they had to go back on duty." 

That's unbelievable. Not so much because of the drinking but because they didn't get caught doing anything while on the job after lunch all twisted up. I would be a disaster if I went back to work all banged up with a gun strapped to my belt. I'd probably be trying to make out with prostitutes and I would definitely be shooting my pistol up in the air cowboy style. Probably come in riding a horse as well. 

McCain's Election Night Party

Did anyone notice the crowd at McCain's party held at the Roosevelt Hotel in Arizona? They were all middle aged white people with the exception of a couple young, ignorant people in their twenties who were probably brain washed by their ignorant parents. I learned later that McCain's party was only by invitation only and it cost a fee to be allowed entrance. 

Obama however, held his party in a park in Chicago that was free of charge and for obvious reasons had such a diverse crowd. 

Interesting to see that even on election night the Republican party couldn't do it right. 

Top 5 Ways To Be A Better Driver in LA

I've never seen such terrible drivers since I moved out to the Smog City. Just awful. Here are a couple things that you can do to improve your driving even if you don't live in LA.

1) Use a turn signal. It's not so hard. Just a quick move with your left hand. There might he some wrist and forearm that you have to use as well but you can do it.

2) If you pass the street that you wanted to turn on don't jam on your brakes and do a u-turn. I promise that you will be able to get back to that street. It's not going anywhere.

3) When driving on the highway the left lane is for people driving fast. If you are on your cell phone simply change lanes. 

4) If you are holding up traffic trying to make a left hand turn where there is no light, here's an idea, turn right and then turn into a street where there is a light for you. 

5) If you're an old, Asian, women you should not be on the road. I said it. All licenses revoked for Asian women when they turn 50. 

John Daly Arrested Outside of Hooters For Public Drunkenness

This guy struggles. Apparently he was found outside of a Hooters which was closed trying to get in to get some wingies and see some boobskis. He has no idea how he got there. Daly wasn't charged with anything and spent the night in the slammer.

This guy's a disaster. He's fun to hear about though.

He played a golf course that I played one time and I met the caddy who caddied with him. Apparently he drank approximately 18 Bacardi and Diet Cokes and smoked a pack of butts. Diet Coke because he's watching his weight. 

Gary Busey on Celebrity Rehab VH1

How crazy is this guy? He's one of the patients on Celebrity Rehab which is a great show. Talk about a show that makes you feel good about yourself after watching. The funny thing about Busey is that he's been sober for thirteen years but he might be the craziest person the show. Absolute lunatic. He's convinced that he's there as an "advisor" and pretends he's part of the staff. It's fantastic.

I saw Busey on time driving down the PCH in LA on a beat up Mercedes with the top down smoking a cigar. I was going to try and get a picture of him with my cell phone but at the last minute I stopped because I assumed that if Busey saw me there's a strong possibility that he'd stone me to death with his giant teeth. 

If you haven't seen the show Steven Adler, the original drummer from Guns N' Roses in on too. This guy got kicked out of GnR for doing too much drugs. That must have been pretty hard to do. You'll see why when you watch the show. Big time struggler. 

Elizabeth Hasselbeck Politely Asked By Republican Party To Tone Down On Her McCain/Palin Edorsement

This came after she started to be photographed next to Palin during her campaign. What an awful campaign the Republican party had this year. Hasslebeck for being a hotty is painful to listen too. 

I also recently read that out of all the hosts on The View she gets the most death threats. I'm dead serious. That's quite an accomplishments considering the other hosts. 

Cookin' With Coolio

The geniuses at that Oxygen channel which is a women's TV station came up with this new show. 

Imagine the pitch meeting. "I got a great idea. We get a rapper who hasn't made an album in twenty years, and have him cook on a show. Will then invite all of his children who are now pretty much grown up to cook with him and see the awkward tension in the kitchen since he barely knows any of his kids names."

Actually that sounds like a good idea.

Girl Sues Bar For Getting Hurt Riding The Mechanical Bar

Can you believe this? Some drunk girl (she's def fat) is suing a bar in Queens NY where she got hurt riding a mechanical bull.   

This is probably the same girl who goes around to bars, gets drunk and gets pulled over and triesto sue the bar for over serving her. 

Maybe you shouldn't get up on the bull if you're hammered and have no athletic ability. 

Walking into a bar and seeing a mechanical bull in pretty much the same thing  as if Jesus descended down from the heavens and told me that I am the chosen one (happens about twice a year). 

Cut the bar a break fatty mcbutter pants. 

Marilyn Manson Makes Satanism Sound Kind Of Fun

Marilyn Manson said, "To me, Lucifer is a hero. He wanted to be God and wasn't going to accept someone else's rules, so he got kicked out of heaven and made his own rules. I grew up feeling I could never fit in. One day I realized I didn't want to. I could make my own standards and live by them. So, now I tell people don't be afraid. If what you do ticks someone off, too bad. Make everybody happy and you're an idiot." 

This guy must have gotten his ass kicked growing up!

The Pick Up Artist-Show on VH1

There's a show on VH1 with a guy (pictured ) who is known as "The Pickup Artist." He basically coaches people on how to pick up girls. It's a reality show and you can be kicked off for reasons like, "not exuding enough confidence."

Did I miss something? Are people really taking advice on how to pick up femanitas from this clown. Maybe I am just so out of the loop that giant fur hats, make up, ear piercings and neck tattoos are in. If anything, that would be a great Halloween Costume. 

I'd like to start a show called "Let's Beat Up The Pick Up Artist." Because if this guy walked into a Haunt of mine and I was feeling a bit tipsy he'd get a beating. I'm not afraid to say it. Especially if he had girls around him. I would be so jealous.

I'm off to The Gap to see if they are selling these giant hats. I like the buttons on his jacket too. Very Civil War esque. What a numb nut. 

Sarah Palin Wigs Are The Big Hit In Jewish Communities In The Big Apple

It's a shame the Jewish Community hasn't realized that Sarah Palin is a member of a congregation at a Church who believes that they can change homosexuals into heterosexual and convert Jews to Christianity. 

I'm pretty psyched that I don't have to hear that bitch after today. I feel bad for McCain picking that weirdo. But he's old as fuck. Cut that crazy POW a break. 

Stars Checking Into Hospitals For Exhaustion

I am so sick of seeing the above headline with a star attached to it. If stars are trying to be coy with their struggles with addictions checking into a hospital for "exhaustion" is way too played out. Wouldn't it be easier to avoid the press by sleeping it off in your own house? I've done some fair amount of damage with my propensity for getting a little loose and never once have I wanted to get over to a hospital and sleep on a plastic pillow and have some ugly nurse (never have I had a attractive one and I've spent a lot of time in hospitals) waking me up to feed me apple sauce.

If anyone needs to check into a hospital for exhaustion it's this guy in the picture. Not only must he be tired but his back must be killing him. I'm not sure if he's a star. It might be the guy with the squinty eye from Big Trouble in Little China but don't quote me on that.