COWBOYS...HOW DID THEY DO IT?

I didn't mean how were they cowboys? If you think at all like me you would have loved to have been a cowboy. Walk around in the same clothes smelling like shit, smoking butts and chewing tabacco. Maybe spend your days gun-slinging and drinking whiskey and spend your nights gambling and gun slinging and drinking whiskey. End the night with a nice shag from a dirty whore. Wake up in the morning in the bar that you were at the night before gambling. Somehow whatever place you were drinking and gambling at, always doubled as a whore house upstairs. Marketing geniuses. Maybe get a shave from the bartender and sit in one of those tubs out back and get 'cowboy clean' and then do it all over again. 

I mean, how awesome would that be? You ever watch Deadwood? It's amazing! 

What I don't get is how the hell did they stay hydrated? They were out in the hot sun all day shooting people and when they walked into the bar they always ordered a whiskey....and they usually ordered the bottle. I'm all about morning drinking, day-drinking, whatever but a glass of ice-water once in a while would probably hit the spot. Fuck man, just a cold beer. Every morning the only thing they could drink when they got up was piss-warm whiskey or that bath-tub water. Never once have I seen a cowboy in a movie with a glass of water which means they never drank water. 

Much like most janitors at colleges in Boston are actually geniuses. They just need a heavily-bearded therapist to help them. 

BAD GUY IN THE 80'S MOVIES

I didn't go to high-school in the eighties so maybe things changed drastically when I went to high-school later but was it really that cool to just be a dick? In every movie the popular guy with the hot chick is always a bad student and the meanest asshole. So if you're popular you don't go to class, and you just walk around and beat up people that are smaller than you. 

Don't get me wrong  I enjoyed a nerd beating once in a while but seriously there was a line. Also, it wasn't that cool to not be a good student. In fact, it was pretty embarrassing. 

I got admit though if being cool meant beating nerds with no remorse and skipping class so you can be stupid it probably wouldn't be that hard for me to become the popular guy. 

MARIE DOUGLAS

I don't know if you guys have heard of this broad. She's divorcing her rich ass husband and trying to get 100 million out of his old-ass pockets. There's a lot of stuff I can say about this walking sloot, but the thing that I find funny is that she had an affair.

Not only that, but she had an affair with a fencer. One, of those guy who fake-pirate-sword-fights. How bummed out would you be if you caught your wife cheating on you with a fencer and then she demands 100 million and tells the public that you weren't good in bed. That did happen as well. How does she sleep at night? Hopefully with a crab-caked vibrator up her cooter.

She's easy on the eyes though. I'd bang her out for a couple million. Let her taste the D for dinner and soft-cock her forehead for desert. 

I DON'T WANT POT LEGALIZED

I have no time for people pretending to walk around being burned out on POT. It's just fucking POT. It does nothing to you. 

One of my biggest pet peeves is meeting some doofus at a Phish show who can barely talk because he's smoked too much POT? What a fucking pussy. If you're burned out it better be from shooting METH in your arm for ten years straight. Don't give me that, "I've smoked pot every day for two years." Big fucking deal. 

So that's my reason. If it got legal it would be more people around 'pretending' to be burnt out because they think it's cool.

Remember that cunt with the hairy beaveski, and dread-locks that you met at the Dead show who smelled like Petuli oil and you made out with her because you were on X and were sick of licking your own hand. Then you see her after the show get into her dad's BMW and drive off. There's going to be a lot more of those people walking around if they do legalize it. 

I also don't need people driving around stoned to the bejesus all the time. All these shit-heels in LA have a hard enough time using their turn signal. 

And also the Jamaicans must be so sick of watching Americans pretending to be burned out.

I'm trying to pass a law to legalize Heroin. I can't get enough of the stuff. 

MODERN ART

I've recently considered dabbling in Modern  Art. How hard could it be? Look at these pictures. I think it might have a lot to do with the artist and the 'buzz' circulating around him or her. 

If anyone is interested in being my publicist let me know. I'll do anything for an excuse to chug espressos, while smoking some foreign cigarette with a beret on...A big one!...that goes for the espresso, the beret and the cigarette.

SIXTEEN YEAR OLD SATAN WORSHIPPER KILLS SOMEONE IN A COCAINE, ALCOHOL FUELED, GAY, SEX ROMP

This is to the parents of John Katehis the murderer. This is your out. You let him come home with the '666' Lucifer' Tattoo and supported his love of Satan. 

Cocaine fueled murder has to be the last call. I don't see much hope for him. Shit, the dad could even use the Homophobic card. 

Not that you weren't good parents but it's time to cut the leash. 

DRINKING HOT TEA IS NOW DANGEROUS

What the fuck? I wish people can just stop talking about what is and is not healthy to eat. I know bacon is bad for me but I have to eat it. It tastes good. Every day it's something more and more. How the fuck did people stay so fit in the olden days. They smoked filterless butts, never exercised or yogacised or mediated or any of that shit. They drank like Vikings and pillaged whores and got Syphilis regularly. 

Maybe that was just my grandfather but It's mind boggling. I can't order a Bologni  sandwich in a deli, or dip my pizza in blue cheese without getting funny looks. 

TATTOOS

I'm getting really sick of seeing Drug Addicts covered in tattoos. Stop spending money on Tattoos. You're a drug addict. You should be buying more drugs.  

On a side note to all the girls out there getting their entire arms tattooed or, "getting a sleeve," as they like to call it. You're going to get old and you will be judged. I promise.

"Look at that lady with the arm covered in tattoos? She must have been in jail? No doubt she's battled some addictions and was ass-molested by someone in her family close to her." 

MICHAEL JACKSON'S KIDS

So these kids have absolutely no hope of being normal right? 

ANGELINA JOLIE WITH ALL OF THOSE KIDS

I never get why someone would like to have a tribe of children. It must be impossible. I can't even keep a plant alive. Also, I don't see how you can be a good parent if you are Angelina Jolie and that 'other guy' trying to take care of eight kids. Top it off with the fact that they both have to go away for months at a time to do movies. Then I thought, how awesome that would be if you were one of those kids. You could get away with murder and no one would notice. You'd also have an endless supply of money for your future drug addiction. This could be good reality TV in the making. 

TAXES

I may be way off but I think it's correct that if you made a lot of money then you might owe money. Right? Therefore, if I hear another rich, fuck head complaining about paying taxes then I will be forced to brain them. It's good that you owe a lot of money. It means you made a lot of money so fuck off.  

I personally like to get my write off on. 

ER's FINAL EPISODE THIS WEEK

Like I give a fuck. 

KEY PARTIES

How embarrassing would it be to ride your bike to on of those seventies Orgy, Key Parties and not have a key on you. 

Also, it's my understanding that in those days the dudes drove the wives to the party. So doesn't that make all the sets of keys in the bowl from a bunch of dudes? 

Who knows? One thing that I know is that I'd be in a corner loving myself strong, too coked up to get a boner. Or maybe all quelooded up passed out in the corner. People loved downers in the seventies to go with their Lowenbrau's and big-ass collars. 

I MET THE BIGGEST DOUCHE IN THE WORLD!

Before I start I need to clue you in on why I had lunch with this guy. I work for a stable company where I actually have Equity in the  company. Even though, we're apparently doing great, I haven't received a pay check in months so I'm a bit skeptical as to really how well the company is doing. 

Even though, it's probably just a clerical error I have decided that it might be best to see just 'what's out there.' In case there might be a problem with the company I am currently working for. The fact that I own a piece of it is enough for me to be worried about the people running the company. 

I was approached by someone who I recently met about an opportunity that he wanted to discuss with me. I was hesitant because I sensed a strong aura of DOUCHENESS exfoliating from him but I thought it couldn't hurt. 

I called him on Saturday at 11:30am to meet him for lunch. The first thing he says is, "Dude, you woke me up. I didn't get to bed until 6:30." I'm thinking he's a rager...possibly a coke head. It's my understanding that 3am is late for anyone to stay up but if you say you stayed up until 6:30 you're a coke-eadd...so I thought. This intrigued me and I was anxious to learn more about why he stayed up so late. I tend to live Vicariously through fellow strugglers. 

He then told me that he does not have a car. Kind of weird but I've already committed to this so I volunteered to pick him up. He told me to pick him up at a corner in Santa Monica that's a very nice area so I'm thinking this guy might have his shit together. 

I pick him up on the corner and he gets in the car. First thing out of his mouth..."This is a nice car. I used to drive a Porsche." I responded with, "This is a great part of town." His response..."I'm crashing with a friend. I'm kind of in between places right now." So no car and no home. I continue, "So why were you up so late? Were you raging?" "No. I went over to my exgirlfriends around three. I still have a key. We got into a huge fight and then we had amazing sex." The way he said sounded like he's not afraid to hit a women. He continued, "She's such a cunt but the sex..." I had to interrupt him so I turned up the Radio. I was listening to Howard Stern. Of course it got worse. "You like Howard Stern?" he said. "Yes," I said. I would assume that when people are driving they usually want to try to listen to something that they like and not dislike. He obviously hated Stern. We didn't get into that though because he continued the conversation into music. He asked me what kind of music I liked. I said,  all kinds. Which is true since I am a music aficionado, some might say a snob and I was curious to what he listens too and here's when it got really bad. This was what came out of his mouth in one sentence word for word..."I hate all music but Techno and by the way I don't have any money so you got to spot me." Not 'will you,' 'you got to.' 

Now, I'm basically viewing this lunch as a terrible blind date. The difference in even if you go on blind date with a girl who sucks, she might be hot and you might be getting laid. If she sucks and she's ugly you have, or for me had the ability to get blinding drunk so you still might be getting laid or get a great story out of it. 

I'm at the point where I'm thinking of texting my girlfriend so she can call me to bail me out. "My girlfriend just slipped in a pile of Wombat poop. I got to go." But then there was this side of me who wanted to see what else this cum-rag could spew out of his mouth. I also wanted to see what kind of job this hand-job was going to offer. To be honest, if this guy offered me one million dollars to watch TV all day with him for a year, there's a strong possibility that I would have declined. 

The drive to lunch felt like forever. He was obviously telling me exactly where to go and what cars to pass because people (especially guys (and especially guys who are the youngest of four who hate being told what to do and might have resorted to alcoholism and snort to mask that feeling of always being a child) ) love that. 

The conversation in the car was just him talking about his constant conquests of love. He proved each one with a picture of the girl in his cell phone which he would show me every time. In between talks of his conquests he was telling me in great detail about all of the money that he has made and his successes in business. The fact that he doesn't have a car, a wallet, or a place to live doesn't really phase him. 

Another thing that was going through my head was, 'this might be the easiest interview that I've ever had being that he hasn't asked one thing about me.' He keeps saying that he sees this drive in me which is surprising since I am doing everything that I can do with body language because he won't let me talk to show him just how much I don't like him. I went as far as too look at him with a disgusted face every time he made me look at one of those women in his phone. It's not so much that I thought they were ugly as I'm sure he took the pictures from a tree in the 3rd Streeet Promenade and was lying. He was just getting so graphic that I was trying to tell him to please stop making me think about you having sex. "Then I pinned her on the ground." Standard rape talk.

We finally sat down for lunch. He ordered a Mojito and didn't ask for any specific Rum. Typical Douche Bag drink. I'm surprised he didn't order a Cuba Libre. Although he did almost order a Mai Tai which is pretty close. All socially acceptable drinks on vacation on a beach but offensive to me otherwise. I like to define people by what they drink. Meaning, if you're not drinking a Budweiser Bottle you're probably a pussy in my book. Even though I don't drink anymore I still judge like a mother-fucker.

He started to discuss the job. Obviously commission only which is always signs of a stable company. There was some talk of selling Gold and Silver and how everyone wants them because they're Asset's. Now I'm not smart by any means unless you need quotes from Caddyshack or the lyrics to Stones song's but I'm pretty sure that Gold is traded under Gld. He disagreed and told me that he knows how to sell it to people for double the value. That's when my mind started to drift and started to focus on a tattoo on his shoulder. Now the Douche Bag was wearing a T-Shirt but I could make out some women's legs as part of a tattoo. I was so curious as to see what the tat looked liked. I almost asked him if he had a Tasmanian Devil on his lower back.  

Lunch ended, I paid and I got in the car and tried to get this dude on his corner as quickly as possible. By the way, he told me I should have tipped the Valet more. Keep in mind this guy wasn't paying for lunch but he recommended a place with Valet service. 

The last words out of his mouth were, "I plan on making five-million dollars this year and whatever goal I set I achieve. If you want what I have I think you should do the same." I kept thinking 'want what I have?' What's that? A lonely life of no pussy, lies, homelessness and riding around on a bus?' Sign me up. I didn't say that though. I politely said, 

"I unfortunately can't jump into a business where I work for free but from my calculations if you plan on making five-million dollars you should have about four-hundred thousand next month. So by May if you really feel that you need me then you can throw me ten-thousand dollars as a base salary and I'll jump on board." Before he could respond I pretended that I had a phone call...and I tried my best to let him know that it was in fact a fake phone call. 

Even though it was painful I was glad it happened. It's just nice to meet someone who's so socially-retarded, and curiously-awkward that no mater how bad my life gets, or how good his does I'll always have something that he doesn't.... I had a Menage-a -Trois with two chicks and didn't have to pay...or in this guy's case rape. 

Happy Day After St. Patricks Day

I hope everyone is feeling well. If you're hung over, I have something you should know...You're a ROOKIE. That's right. You're that person who rarely drinks and then goes out with his co-workers because work lets you off a little bit early and you crowd the bars and order your Guiness (which you hate but you drink anyway). You might do a CAR BOMB or two and then you black out. When you black out though, you don't black out like a true alcoholic. "What did I do last night?" "You fucked a whore in that alley, peed all over the bouncer, punched the bartender in the face and then stole his coke out of his pocket and snorted it off the floor." When you black-out you just get WEIRD. The next day at work people are talking about you behind your back. "You see Wayne from Accounting. Dude was fucked up. Falling all over the place drooling on himself" You don't get funny, you just get annoying and weird. Save the hangover next year and just stay in. You're a loser, you drink like a woman and your basically just a waste of space. 

If you're offended by this because you're hung over but don't fall into this category don't you worry, I'm not talking to you. St. Patty's day is just another day for you guys it's just that ROOKIE DRINKERS get in your way. 

REPUBLICAN PARTY

What the fuck is going on with this party? When I say party, I really mean, what is going on with...

Rush Limbaugh-This fucking guy actually thinks he's funny. He honestly goes on TV and Radio and tells jokes. I'm not going to get into my massive hatred of him but he's getting cocky on his 'comedic routine.' He's horrible on every level.

Michael Steele-I'm blacker than this guy. 

Jonathan Krohn-This little fuck face pictured to my left was on the news talking about his view on the CONSERVATIVE party. I'm just relieved that I don't have to beat up a child since I'm sure he's getting his ass handed to him after Social Studies. Fucking nerd. I'll take on the dad though.....

to a bow tie wearing contest (dude could be big, I don't know.) One rule that I have is never fight a guy unless he's much....MUCH smaller than me. Unless their Asian. I have a fear that anyone Asian knows Karate. 

ANNA NICOLE'S MINIONS ARE BEING PROSECUTED...

Years after this glutenous waste of human space OD'd, some of her entourage are being prosecuted for giving her drugs. 

Why are people being prosecuted for this? She could have always said no. She was a fucking mess and she died because of it. At the end of the day it was her fault. 

That being said, I'm going to press charges against this dealer who sold me bad X one time in NYC about eight years ago. I couldn't see the floors and was walking around like a one-legged Gazelle. I'll sue on the grounds of 'having no game.' Chicks have no time for a guy, Sweating profusely, walking around trying to convince that there was a BLACK-HOLE, in the middle of the dance floor. 

RIHANNA TAKES CHRIS BROWN BACK...

Just for that she deserves another beating. What a stupid bitch. You might want to think about the fact that you have a lot of young female fans and that they look up to you, you stupid, warped, CUNT. 

When you get the shit beaten out of you again...and you will get the shit beaten out of you again, I will have no sympathy for you. 

The only prayer that stupid CUNT has is if JAY Z kills Chris Brown. How cool would that be. Speaking of getting killed...

HOW GREAT WOULD IT BE...

If you woke up and found out that Big M was murdered. 

EASTBOUND & DOWN

The new hit show on HBO is getting rave reviews. Personally...I think it sucks. That's right, I said it. I'll argue this point with anyone till they're huddled up on the floor in the fetal position like a little, dried up CUNT.  I expected so much more from this cast. And the plot of the show...GENIUS. I rarely laugh and am now only just watching it to yell at the TV as to why it sucks. 

With Will Ferrell producing this piece of shit along with that ninety minute Roast of President Bush he's slowly falling off the radar for me. His quirky wording is getting old. "I want to taste your, sweat covered loins." That shit was funny in Anchorman but it's getting old. That President Bush thing on HBO was painful. So fucking long. 

Timothy Dolan-Arch Bishop

The city of New York has greeted the new Arch Bishop with open arms. It seems like this guy Timothy Dolan is a real man of the people. The media has perceived him as a 'regular joe.' 'The kind of guy you would have a beer with.'...There's just one thing....He's the Arch Bishop and has chosen a life of celibacy. No matter how nice this guy is he's far from normal...

That doesn't mean in the least that I think he's a child molester....

But I bet you he's met a bunch of them. 

THAT GUY

Where does this fucker get off acting tough? This is AJ from the Backstreet Boys. Say what you will that I even know his name but I RUE the day he was born. I heard him say, "It was too much for me.  I was drinking a pint a day of Jack Daniels. I had to go to rehab." 

I love that quote. There's a strong possibility that he might have been bullied in Rehab unless he exaggerated. Lord knows I did...

"I was raped by my two cats when I was six, when I was twelve I began sniffing high-liters and then shoving them up my ass. I began compulsively masturbating to the Snorks and developed an obsession with the ugly daughter on Mr. Belvedere. By thirteen I was knee-deep in MASOCHISM. I used to get caught spanking myself with the ruler. 

High-school was a bit easier. I had a love triangle with a trans-gender and the Junior Varsity Badminton Coach. Got caught regularly in band-class pooping in the TROMBONES." You understand where I was going...

Anyway, this guy's a fucking tool. Also, never trust a man with well-groomed facial hair...unless it's Sunny Crocket, or Chuck Norris obviously. 

ENTOURAGE

Fuck this show. I'm sick of it. It should just be called the Ari Gold show because the rest of these guys suck my taint. I will occasionally chuckle from something Drama says but everyone else is dead to me.

Turtle-I get it. You're a tank-assed, free-loading, pot-head. 

Eric-Giant pussy. Eric needs a good raping from someone, male or female. He's way too little to be that anal. I would end him very quickly after one of his rants. 

Vince-I could easily beat him up in a fight. 

What this show needs is some serious Drug Addiction. I'm serious! "Oh no, Vince can't afford to pay his mortgage." Fuck that. I want down and dirty isolationistic depression. Lord knows, if I acted like one of these three knuckle heads I'd be  knee deep in something. 

FLAVOR FLAV

Can't understand a word you're saying. NEXT....

BRANDON DAVIS

Who the fuck is this guy? Apparently you can now be famous for just being (the son) of somebody rich. All I know is this guy went to Rehab at some point. Probably for something pussy like 'Depression.' What a greasy, anal-bead. 

DUSTIN DIAMOND (SCREECH)

I saw that 'D Squared' is doing stand up in the LA area next week and it got me thinking...I could really do without him.  What a fucking hand-job.