This Is An Actual Email...

...that I copied and pasted, (with the names changed) that I got from a friend.

i dont know if i ever told you the story of my 19th birthday....i was living in sykes with franklin and beauregard and they woke me up before my 9:40 class and would not let me get out of bed before i slugged down a 40 of MGD. I went to class and it had been cancelled. We went and bought some mad dog and drank that and a bunch of other stuff...i blacked out but we were apparently at the tick tock at like 1pm trying to get in to drink. I think it was closed.
Next thing i know, we have a lax meeting with that nut Herbert McGee and i am out of my mind in the meeting....really shitcanned. i barely remember it.
We go to dana for dinner and i decide to crush this thanksgiving style turkey dinner....we get back to the room and begin to shotgun beers for no reason....Someone had invited stanley, prickly pete, edward and ziek to our room to haze them. We dog them all and i puke up all the turkey into a recycling can and then jsut throw the can out the window into the snow.
I blacked out again at some point and when i woke up in the morning, the water fountain in the hall was gone...all that was left was a pipe gurgling water onto the floor. I still dont know what happened.

Franklin woke up in a totally foreign room in sykes on the couch. There were these two 300 lb indian guys hanging out in there pounding Molson XXX and playing video games. He said he was never more confused in his life. They said he just showed up the night before and started boozing with them. He said he got the hell out of there and never saw them again....

Hardware Store

When I was 15 years old I was working in a hardware store and the owner walked in on me masturbating in the bathroom. He closed the door, I zipped up my pants, walked out of the bathroom and walked out of the store never to return.

Stained Drawers

Thirty-three years old and still haven't figured out how to wipe my ass. The good news is that I just threw out all my white, shit (and pee) stained drawers and I'm only wearing dark ones from now on (just like my coffee and my ass-tickler).

Getting Denied Going Down On A Girl

I've unfortunately been denied on many an occasion. The thought that goes in my head is that the whore is embarrassed from the stank exfoliating from her cunt.

I'm just glad that the following thought never went through my head, 'I hope my under-carriage doesn't stink.'

I remember one time drinking all day at some Guinness/Oyster festival in NYC. I think I was vomiting on the side of the road by noon. It was a hot, sweat day and somehow (with the help of cocaine) I was able to ride out this buzz till 2am when I won't home with a lucky damsel.

She went down on me and I remember thinking, 'My balls must stink.' But I wasn't concerned, in fact I think I was giggling. My taint must have been all crusty from taking dumps all day from all the Guiness, Oysters, and Booger Sugar.

Snuff Films

It's tough to come up with an excuse when your lady friend catches you masturbating to a 'snuff-film.'

Head Shops

You might have a problem when you inquire if they sell a specific product (a cocaine grinder) and the person behind the counter at the head shop gives you a weird look.

Familiar Smell

After you've worked up big sweat, stick your hands in between your sweaty ass cheeks and smell your hands. It smells like that girl you went down on in college that wasn't familiar with keeping her gash clean. Ah, memories.

Bathroom Attendants

Completely useless. Am I that lazy that I can't turn on the faucet and get a towel to dry my hands? And what if you're drinking heavily and pissing every ten minutes. You start to feel all guilty because you run out of one dollar bills and you drunkenly say, "I'm out of ones" and he give you that look like he's heard that one a million times. But fuck him, he's a bathroom attendant. The truth is, if he wasn't there I wouldn't be washing my hands anyway.

Going Goth

I've toyed with going goth but I know that I won't last a day without cutting myself on my bracelets.

Also, with suicide running rampet through my head on an hourly basis I'll probably try to stab myself and not succeed.

The only thing worse than committing suicide is doing it unsuccessfully.

Southern Accents

If you have one, I'm going to assume that you are stupid.

Rock Band

Instead of having your kids actually learn to play instruments, now parents can just buy them the Rock Band video game. This will not teach them to play but it will make them think that tapping on frets on a 'fake-guitar' or hitting a 'drum-set' with stick technique equivalent to a sweaty-palmed Baboon is the same as actually playing the instruments.

Just like cell-phones are going to ruin this country and cause more car accidents than ever before 'Rock Band' had the potential to ruin the hope of any child's musical future.

Every parent should force your kid to play an instrument just to make them carry it to and from school. Your kid's going to get fat as fuck sitting in front of the TV.

Syphilis in the Gay community

As if these guys didn't have it hard enough they have to bring back a disease from the Braveheart days.

BIG TIRES

Chances are that the owners of these vehicle's and I are not going to be compatible.

Physical Therapists

If I'm seeing a physical therapist all I really want is to fix whatever is hurting by means of, massage, heat, ice, and anything that doesn't involve exercise.

Why is it that in the middle of any physical therapy session they have to break out those 3 pound dumbbell's and force you to do these exercises? I was looking at a physical therapy bill that I had to pay and it costs $20 to ice my back, and $60 dollars for 3 sets of ten reps with 3 pound dumbbell's. And my physical therapist was a dude. Like I'll ever pay that bill.

Ketchup Packets at McDonalds

It is my belief that in a conservative effort to save money, upper-management has told their employees to never put ketchup packets on trays, or in bags. If the customer asks for ketchup give them three packets but seem upset when you do. If the customer ask for more than three take a long time to get the additional packets.