The Lottery (annuity-payments)

How fucking pissed would you be if a close friend/family member hit the lottery and then called you three days later and said "We decided to go for the annuity payments instead of the lump sum. We met with a financial planner and it makes sense for us. Instead of the $20 million right now we are going to get $400,000 a year the until I die. As long as I live past 60 we will come out ahead. I know $20 mil sounds great, but you lose so much in taxes and we might just blow through it so we are making the smart move....Oh yeah, you know that million dollars I promised you when I called you all drunk after I checked my ticket, looks like I'm just going to be able to give you $25 grand a year for the next 40 years" Under normal circumstances a friend offering you $25k/year sounds great, but at that moment I might tell that fucker to shove his $25k up his ass and that if I ever see him again I will make sure that his state lottery commission 'comes out ahead' by killing him on the spot.

Why do they even offer these annuity payments? When was the last time someone took the payments instead of the lump some. I don't give a shit how much sense it makes and how much they take in taxes, as long as that fucking lump some check had two commas in it I'm cashing it.

I saw a show on the USFL that said some team owner had given away "a million dollars" as a publicity stunt at one of the games. They showed the greasy ass, USFL fan that won the drawing all excited at halftime yelling into the microphone. The catch was that it was $50k for 20 years...STARTING 20 YEARS FROM THE DAY HE WON! That is a big 'catch'. So this guy had to wait 20 years before he started getting his $50k/year. What good would that do you? Last strip club I was in the dancer didn't except promissory notes redeamable in 2029. How far in the whole would this guy be 20 years from when he won? How many times would he have borrowed money from his buddies, "Jim, loan me 5 grand. You know I'm good for it, I'm a fucking millionaire." That sucker had to go back to his job pouring concrete or hanging dry wall the next Monday thinking "Twenty years from now I'm going to tell my boss to Fuck Off!" Fuck that, I would rather catch a tee shirt from an air cannon. At least I could rip the sleeves off, tie them around my head all while making the pretend 'wiping my ass' motion with the tee shirt between my legs trying to get on the stadium big screen. I guess I'm a sucker for immediate gratification.

-Post Sent In By Mocephus

Conan The Barbarian Sex Scene

I dig that scene where he humps the witch and throws her in the fire. That's kinky as fuck.

Roadhouse

Classic movie. It's got everything.

However, would you really go to that bar?

Unless you're in a really bad mood and want to get into a fight that you could potentially die in it doesn't seem like the kind of place where you go to kick back and talk about your day with your fellow co workers.

A good sign that you might be in the wrong bar is if you see a razor-blade come out of a Patron's cowboy boot in mid-fight

Batshit Bums

I'm sick of the Bums who are just sitting around begging for money. I like the Bums who are batshit, crazy out of their minds. I like the guy's who are shitting on the street corner and picking it up and eating it. If you're a bum you need to take it up a notch.

I'm much more likely to give a bum money who's casually drinking his own urine in a Champagne Flute then the depressed guy who needs money for food.

Sometimes even I disgust myself when I write this crap.

The Difference Between Men And Women

If a man has bad breath his friend will say, "You got bad breath." The friend will say thank you and get a mint.

If a woman has bad breath...

A) They do not want to be told by their significant other.

B) And if they notice another female with bad breath they will choose not to tell them but tell everyone else how bad her breath is.

Gluten Fee Menus

Apparently every girl I know now is Gluten Free and is actually allergic to dairy. This seems to be the new rage. Chicks asking a server if they have a Gluten free menu.

I got an idea for you cunts. Why don't you stop gorging on m&m's before you go to bed, or at least throw them up after you eat them.

Gluten free my ass.

Technology Is Improving The Booty Call

You come home drunk, you break out your cell-phone, select a list of girl's on your phone that you are willing to bang, text in a mass Text Message saying, 'Are You Up?' and sit back and wait.

The downside is with all of this video and Facebook and shit, technology is bound to backfire on you. Perhaps the picture of your penis that you thought was a good idea to send could come back to haunt you when you cheat on that girl and she tags it on your Facebook profile. At least you gave her syphilis so it's all part of the circle of life.

Boners In The Movies

What's up with dudes getting boners in movies and acting like they are unexpected? And then they have no idea how to hide it?

My piece moves and I know it...I know what's coming. How do these guys stand up from the dinner table with a hard on and not know? You tuck that shit strong like.

What I'm trying to say is that moving forward I would like Hollywood to provide a more accurate depiction of the male boner (I tried so hard rewording this but anyway I put it it came out gay). IDGAF

The New Definition of Alcoholism

Forget everything that we grew up learning. 'If you drink more than X amount of drinks you're an alcoholic.' 'If you like the effects of alcohol then you are an alcoholic.'

This is the definition of Alcoholism:

If you find yourself using terms like, 'I was on a run,' or, 'I was holed up in some motel (not hotel) room for days,' then you're an Alcoholic.

Cat-Calling

I'd love to hear a story from one of these guys about a guy who was cat-calling and it actually worked. The girl who turns around after getting verbally raped and and goes along with it, which I'm going to assume means she's going to get a train on her in a porta potty is a keeper.

Inflatable Doll

I'm a little nervous that down the road in my life I'm going to get bored with whacking it to porn and I'm going to find myself in a porn shop buying an inflatable doll and going home and fucking it....and actually enjoying it. I'm going to lube up the holes with mint jelly.

Girl's Running

I would watch a reality show called, 'Girl's Running Like They Have A Disability.' At the end of the day even the most talented female athlete has a little bit of retard in her when she runs. Arms flapping and flailing all over the place.

The only female act that is funnier is a girl punching. You ever seen one of those kick boxing classes for females? It's like a down syndrome convention.

Go-Bots

Transformers retarded cousin.