Dentists

In all of these years why hasn't the Dental Industry been able to get rid of this 'vile' tool pictured. My new conclusion after a recent trip to the Dentist (my first in over three years) is that it's punishment.

As I'm sitting there, sweating, as he tries to get out all the gunk, repeatedly apologizing for the pain he's causing. I'm guessing he knows I'm in pain from the erratic flinching of my legs and arms and the steady of flow of blood that he's creating from this tool interacting with my gums.

All the while he's standing over me, light shining from that awful lamp. I think that lamp is punishment too. Lecturing me about what I should be doing differently.

And it's working. I'm sitting there going, 'all I have to do is survive this day and then I'll start coming back every six-months and never have to go through this again.'

Of course, by the time I leave, buy some ridiculously expensive new toothpastes-products, tongue-scrapers and floss I'm thinking, 'not a chance I want to go through that again.' See you in three years Doc.

Steam Room

You walk into a steam-room you...

a) do not attempt to strike up a conversation with me...especially if your buck-naked.

b) do not bring a razor in to shave the bottoms of your feet.

c) stand instead of sitting if you're predicting that it's going to be a tight fit if you attempt to sit down.

d) do not indulge in any hardcore, gay, butt-sex please...I know a guy who swears that he walked in on that. That would steer me away from going back to that particular facility.

Put A Number On Your Business or Residence

It's no help to give me an address if you don't have a number on your building. Unless, your some hip night club that I'm not going to get into anyway please put a number on the building.

Puerto Rican Day Parade in NYC Last Week

I'm sure that smelled great.

The Black Eyed Peas

So two of the Peas are black, Fergie is white, but what's that other creepy guy? Indian? Makes you think right. Maybe he's related to Jessica Alba. I don't know what she is either. Albanian?

Annoying Dads

Remember when you were growing up there was always that Dad who wanted to hang out when you were over at that particular friend's house. He would always stay much longer than welcomed and would want to hang out and drink beer's and ask you questions about girls. It always got a little awkward. Also, this particular Dad was the one Dad out of all of your friends Dad's who you really wanted nothing to do with.

That sucked, but I think the sons are to blame a bit too. Why would the friend always let his dad hang out? Your dad comes down to the basement you get him out in a jiffy. No one's going around and talking about the 'swell weekend' you had with your dad. There going to be talking how cool it is that you can hang in the basement and the parents don't bother you.

This is more or less directed to anyone who is in their teens, or someone who is forced to move back home with their parents.

Desmond Hatchett

This piece of sit fathered 29 kids with 21 mothers. He's obviously unemployed and can't pay the child support. You ever heard of pulling out you idiot?

Greeting Someone

I'm finding that my newest problem with greeting someone isn't the hand-shake or how I say hello, and if I use my last name or not. I simply can't get my first name out without mispronouncing or stuttering it.

From now on I'm going to do the middle-finger tickle in the handshake. That should offset the person so that they don't even want to know my real-name. That, or I'm getting rammed at the urinal in fifteen minutes.

Computer Viruses

Am I missing something? Does the person who creates the virus reap any reward for ruining people's computer's or is that person(s) doing it for the sake of just being a dick?

I'd like to get involved if it's just for the sake of being a dick.

PDA

I don't about you but I can't get enough of hand-holding in other gestures of my love in public. I love it! I fucking love it! Nothing is more exciting to me then to hold hands in public. I especially like when my girlfriend gets upset because I'm not holding her hand. Then I'm reminded how much I love it and can't believe that I forgot how much fun it is to hold hands.

I got two hands. One for my pocket to adjust my scrotum and the other is for my cell-phone. Not because I get phone calls but in case I see someone that I don't want to talk too then I can pretend that I'm on the phone.

Swine-Flu

Oh, how our country likes to be concerned with things...

"Did you hear about the swin-flu?" "Oh, I'm so concerned about the swine-flu."

I heard about and guess what, I'm not going to get it. I also eat food off the ground, eat-veggies without washing them and taste my meat raw.

And if you want to get really down and dirty, I've wiped my ass with my hand when I've ran out of toilet paper, I've peed my bed and NOT changed the sheets for quite some time, and I've eaten food that's been sitting out for days and look at me. I'm as fit as a fiddle..physically, not mentally.

YOGA

The fact that I do Yoga once in a while and admit it should be enough so that you won't make fun of me.

What I can't believe is that I've actually gotten laughed at by other guys doing yoga because I'm not as flexible as them.

When the fuck, have you judged someone by their flexibility? I mean, looks, the sound of their voice, clothes, , what music they listen too, what kind of car they drive, what kind of watch they wear, how they hold their fork, what kind of sunglasses they're wearing, what book they are reading, how they are walking, the brand of monocle they wear, the name of their yacht, they're wife's ass, if they own a cat, if they wear a button-down-shirt with collar buttons or not, if their jeans have real or fake rips in them, if her mom is fat does that mean she will be too, how they act when they get drunk, what kind of alcohol they drink, how they snort cocaine, how they hold their needle, how they laugh, why they're wearing a concert T-Shirt from a concert that was held before they were born, how they wear a hat, how they wear a top hat, how they wear a safari hat, how she react when your stick your finger up her butt, what color cape they wear...but flexibility?

SPAM EMAIL

Are any businesses that you know of achieving any success sending out Spam email? I like the unsolicited calls approach...old-school.

Shitting In An Airplane Bathroom

You throw in some turbulence and you got yourself an Olympic Sport.

Bad First Names

If your name is...

TROY or BLAINE you're going to grow up to be a dick. Unfortunately it's not 1986 anymore so you can't be the cool dick with the hot chick.

If your names is...

ZIEK you're never going to have a normal relationship with your parents .

If your name is...

LANCE you're going to be annoyingly stupid.

and if you're name is...

Otis you're going to be the coolest guy in the world. Imagine being able to say,"I'm going to hang out with my buddy Otis."

Unfortunately, you're never going to get that name past your wife, and she'll reluctantly let you name your dog Otis instead.

Thailand

As men get older and settle down, get married, and have children they still need at least a couple weekends a year to 'let their hair hang down.'

The way men get away with this is they go on a fishing, or golf trip for the weekend. In hindsight the woman (or women if you have a whore on the side) are okay with this.

However, a couple of places that you might get some questions when you tell your wife you're going away for the weekend are, Amsterdam, Thailand, Tijuana, and of course Bangkhok (in the heart of Thailand...I had to google that).

If you're going to any of the four locations, do yourself a favor and just lie. If anyone google's any of these destinations, they'll realize that there's legal prostitution, legalized drugs, beastiality ( You can see a horse bang a chick in Tijuana), and in Bangkok, I've heard some tails of glory-holes with underage kids, chicks with dicks, and all kinds of weird shit.

Do yourself a favor and just lie...or just go too Myrtle Beach.

Facebook

My mom just joined Facebook. I got a friend-request from her. I snubbed her without hesitation. I'm thinking about defriending my sister-in-law and causing a huge family controversy.

I get restless when chaos isn't a brewing.

Jada Pinkett-Smith

As if women didn't have enough trouble acting 'normal,' Jada comes complete with split personalities when she's in the public eye.

She can switch from being an articulate, well-educated, female when she's being interviewed on Letterman, and the next day turned into some, ghetto-cunt, when Source magazine interviews her.

I think it's kind of cool. Plus her husband's gay so I cut her a little slack. He likes to get 'jiggy with his tongue sucking on a sac.'