Going To A Concert Alone

Going to a Concert Alone
By Trevor Nicholson
I didn’t know how deep my insecurities ran until I attended a concert alone. I was informed the night before the show that the super-group Them Crooked Vultures was playing at an intimate club out in Los Angeles where I live and that tix were available.
I debated buying two tickets in the hopes that one of my friends might join me. However I reconsidered due to the expensive ticket price, and the unreliable friends who I consort with.
There’s of course the option to scalp the ticket but I’m not really a scalper-guy. I don’t know what the etiquette is, and I don’t have a long, leather, trench coat.
On an impulse I bought a ticket and decided that I was going solo. I psyched myself up by saying to myself, “it’s just like going to a movie alone.” I like going to movies by myself. No distractions. I do however bring a notebook in case I run into someone I know. That way I can say that I’m doing research for my hugely, unsuccessful career in screenwriting.
I got to the show a bit early and walked around checking out the scene as I didn’t want to sit down in my seat alone and feel like a schmuck. After about five minutes of aimlessly meandering around I remembered that I’m not one to strike up a conversation with a stranger and I don’t like when a stranger strikes up a conversation with me. Therefore, I decided to suck it up and go to my seat.
On the way to my seat, I walked by the merchandising stand and observed people buying the TCV t-shirts and then putting them on over their existing t-shirts. I judgmentally said to myself, “what a bunch of losers. Wearing the t-shirt of the band you are going to see.”…Like I was one to talk. Just last week I bought a Phish t-shirt online from a concert that I wasn’t at. After buying the t-shirt I memorized the setlist to prepare myself for an accurate lie if someone should come up to me and reference the t-shirt.
I got up to my seat doing my best to avoid the usher. I like to think that I can handle the whole finding your own seat thing on my own. I’m perplexed, and by perplexed I mean disgusted by concert goers meager attempt to find their seat using their ticket. It’s not some complex algorithm to find your seat. The rows go in ascending order with letters and the number on your ticket is your seat number.
When I sat down it was still a bit early so the seat to my left was empty. I started getting excited imagining the possibilities of having a free seat next to me but decided not to jinx it and changed the subject in my head. To my right was a nice looking couple drinking water. So far, my environment seemed friendly. I hesitantly glanced around behind me to see if anyone was laughing and pointing at me because I was alone. Obviously no one was. Because no on cares and I bet there’s other people that regularly go to concerts alone and could care less of what other people think of them…I am not one of those people.
I even took out my Blackberry to kill time and pretend to look busy. I quickly came to the realization that I don’t have enough applications on my Blackberry to even pretend to look busy so I put it away.
Them Crooked Vultures took the stage and immediately I was blown away. Everyone stood up and began to head nod. My self-obsessed, insecure head said something like, “you better be bobbing your head in unison with the music. You don’t want to look stupid.”
I then had a moment of clarity where I said to myself, “maybe, just maybe, people are paying attention to this power trio of rock icons onstage and not looking at how I’m bobbing my head.”
TCV put on a strong ninety-plus set delivering every song off of their debut with tremendous success. After the third song I was able to get out of my head and appreciate what this night is all about. Watching a band perform live. At the end of the show I looked to my left and no one did ever show up. I didn’t even notice.
I’m still a self-obsessed, insecure person. That hasn’t changed. What has changed after going to see this show by myself is that the next time I want to see a show and can’t find anyone to go with me, I’m going to go alone. Maybe it might even be more entertaining. And maybe one day I’ll be outgoing and actually take the effort to talk to a total stranger…I’ll lie and say I’m a music journalist.

GOING TO A CONCERT ON THE FIRST DATE By Trevor Nicholson

Seems like a good idea. Everyone loves a concert right? Wrong. Firstly, if you ask a girl to a concert and she agrees, she might not be into the artist or into music at all. Even if you ask her if she likes the artist she may say yes because she doesn’t want you to judge her on her musical taste…which of course you are doing.
If you don’t adhere to my warning and decide to take a girl to a concert make sure it’s seats and not general admission.
The general admission could turn into a terrible situation because there’s the risk of the ‘intoxicated-drunk-groper-guy,’ which is rare but is a possibility. In general admission if you go to the bathroom you might lose her for the rest of the night pondering the thought, ”did she leave or was she kidnapped?” You don’t want that kind of guilt on your conscious.
The real problems start when the artist starts to play live. You didn’t factor in that it’s a first date and the goal is to get to know each other. Now your only form of communication is yelling back and forth in each other’s ear pretending that you both can hear each other, which you can’t, but you both nod politely ‘yes,’ anyway.
If you want to dig deeper there’s the dancing aspect. She might start flapping and flailing like a drunken witch doctor and if you’re superficial like me this might be a huge turnoff. The opposite might occur as well if you go beyond the ‘head-nod’ and start to ‘let the music take control,’ and she starts judging you by your handclaps and syncopated-twirls.
Then there’s the alcohol. If you’re the guy who gets a beer every ten minutes (a raging alcoholic), she might get scared due to your intake and not want a second date. If she is a boozer this can backfire as you might be carrying her home, or she might in an attempt to be polite join you in your heavy consumption even though she’s not a drinker and throw up on you.
The plus of going to a concert on the first date is that you might get a second date out of it since you won’t have a chance to talk to each other, you bought the ticket, and she might feel bad for vomiting all over your go-too first date, perfectly wrinkled, linen-shirt.

DISTRACTION WHEN DRIVING

You got to get with the times if you’re into distractions while driving. Texting while driving is so 2009. Masturbating while driving is the ‘in distraction’ right now.

TOP FIVE PEOPLE YOU DON’T WANT TO SIT NEXT TO AT A CONCERT By Trevor Nicholson

1. The Coke Snorting Talker-These are the people that will continue to tap you throughout the whole concert insistent that you are interested in the fact that they met Mike Gordon once while he was driving a golf cart through the Bonnaroo campsite. They will tell you this story over and over and have no recollection that they’re repeating the same story.
Warning: If you try and tell them you can’t hear them over the music they will talk louder so you might as well let them talk at a volume that the music can be heard over.
2. The Shirtless Spinning Male-In hindsight this person means no harm as he’s just into the music and wants to dance. More power to him. I’m so self-conscious and insecure that if I start to dance I’m convinced the whole crowd will stop watching the band and start to watch me. I shouldn’t even use the word dance since all I do is throw an occasional fist pump in the air, and then glance around hoping that no one caught me. The bummer of the spinner is that he’s bound to get sweaty and he’s bound to rub up on you by accident on multiple occasions. He’s just trying to have a good time so try and shake it off, but it’s a Germaphobes worst nightmare as it’s very Along came Polly basketball scene esque. Attachment below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rbzmef4E3NsT
3. The OD Victim-If you’ve attended enough concerts you’re going to be plagued with sitting next to the high-school sophomore who snuck out during the week with his or her friends to a concert and consume copious amounts of drugs and collapse in their chair. His or her friends are usually just as bamboozled and will insist that he or she is fine despite the fact that their friend is slumped in their chair, unconscious, and drooling with their eyes rolled in the back of their head.
This will ruin your concert experience if you have any morals, as you should get help with some EMTS on hand at the venue. But you’re doing a good cause, and helping somebody out.
You can then throw into conversation how you save somebody’s life.
“So how’s work? Work is good but what I am really passionate about is saving lives. Just last week I was at a concert….”
4. The Screamer-I get that people get excited but if you’re a screamer you need to gauge your surroundings. The general rule of thumb is to yell and scream before and after songs and during explosive moments in the song. Sporadic yelling is fun and if you’re confident enough with your humor maybe yell out a joke, as long as you’re not heckling the band or blurting out, “Play Free Bird.” Although I heard someone say that at a St. Patrick’s Day Bagpipe Parade which worked.
It’s the person who just screams for the entire concert. This person also typically seems to be the same person who decides to stand up when everyone is sitting down which is such a bummer if you’re sitting behind him or her.
5. The Fighter-I can’t remember the last time I saw this guy at a concert. I’m thinking the nineties, but you still got to be on your guard. One false move, like the spill of a drink on the wrong person’s shoe might trigger someone to go off. These guys typically exist at harder music concerts that are in a general admission venue. Although I once thought I was peeing in a cup and I was actually peeing on someone’s shoe that forced me to run out of the venue like the coward that I am. And that was at a String Cheese Incident concert so be careful.

Good Blackouts & Bad Blackouts

I might be reaching when I say that there are such thing as a good black out, but when you’re the kind of guy who likes to let their hair down to the point of ‘losing time,’ regularly then you have to have some sort of black out barometer.
We all know what a bad black out is. A bad black out is when you wake up in a foreign land and have no idea who you got there. This could be as simple as a friend’s couch. It could also mean next to some homely-pig with a condom wrapper on the nightstand (ha ha, I’m obviously kidding about the condom). Or, in a dumpster, in jail, or literally a foreign land.
You’ve probably lost your wallet and your cell phone. If you have your cell phone it’s filled with drunk texts and tons of voicemails from people calling you before you woke up to make sure that you are okay and to let you know all the awful things that you did the night before. It’s best to delete all of these without reading or listening to them. The last thing that you want to do is actually learn what a doucher you are when you under the influence. I say delete then move on. Onward and upward.
A good black out is when you wake up in your own bed. You haven’t peed it. You have your wallet and your phone and there are no weird, creepy texts to ex girlfriends and no voicemails. Before you can go back to bed you need to follow through with one more task to ensure that it was a good black out.
You call the guy that you were with the night before. When you call and he answers you say something like, “that was a bloodbath last night.” You then wait for his response. If it’s an immediate laugh then all is good. If there’s any pause and a hint of a fake laugh then you might have done something stupid. Regardless, you need to take the extra step. You need to come clean and tell him that you blacked out. If his response is, “really? I didn’t know that you were that drunk.” Then you’re good to go. If the response is, “no shit,” then it’s best to say you have another call, hang up and curl up in your bed for three days with your cell phone off till you’re ready to face the world again.
Keep in mind though. The guy who is telling you that you were fine the night before might just be saying that because he’s worried that if he told you what you actually did, then you wouldn’t hang out anymore with him because you might consider to quit drinking.
I know…I just blew your mind.

FML status on Facebook.

You ever read somebody’s status and it says, ‘Stuck in traffic, FML.’ Really? You’re stuck in traffic therefore your entire life is fucked. The only way that I think you could use FML I’m stuck in traffic is if you added on, ‘I am stuck in traffic and a goblin just jumped in my car and raped me. That’s a pretty legit time to use FML because you’re life is kind of fucked. You’re now pregnant with goblins and if you’re pro-life you have to give birth to the goblins and raise goblins without your goblin spouse. Because you know that a goblin isn’t going to be paying child support.

My T-Shirt Idea Taken From This One

Mahogany Monday-this is when you huff mahogany varnish all the livelong day.
Testicle Tuesday-this is when you poke your own testicle with a small pin. With pain comes pleasure. I assume pleasure meaning, ‘buzz.’
Wipe Out Wednesday-self-explanatory. When you take a shit don’t wipe your ass and walk around smelling like pooh all day.
Thermos Thursday-again, pretty self-explanatory. Pee in a thermos all day and throw it on people who talk loudly on their cell phones in public.
Franken Berry Friday-Shove a cereal box of Franken’ Berry up your anus and try and walk around all day without spilling the marshmallows. You can then eat it at the end of the day as a celebration of sorts.
Sassafras Saturday-Build some pottery on heroin.
Super Terrific Sunday-Upper Deck a Church Bathroom.

VD Rampant in Retirement Communities

Kind of makes sense. Moving into a retirement community is kind of like going to college. Except you are all rickety and wrinkly.
Perhaps, their husband or wife has passed on and they realize that they have an opportunity to get some hard geriatric, fucking in. For the guys it must be great. Getting head with just the gums.
Imagine running around the halls all hopped up on medication putting out your best moves. The best part is you always have medication to blame if you do anything stupid. Like suckling the teat of a lady who fell asleep during bingo.
But with all the fun comes the downside, and if you get a VD you’re going to be known as that VD guy unless you get it taken care of. What I recommend doing is get rid of the VD then tell everyone in the place who you got it from. “Stay away from Agatha in 302. The old bag has scorching case of the gonorrhea.” “Or, balled Mabel last month and doc told me she gave me syphilis. That might account for why I’ve been earnest in only taking my medication anally.”

Delegates at UN Conference voted to give Polar Bears and Blue Fin Tuna no protection internationally. -NYT

I had no idea that you could eat Polar Bear.

Not locking the door in public bathrooms

Who are these people? Don’t look at me like I’m the asshole when I walk in on you taking a deuce. And don’t use the ‘there’s no lock on the door,’ excuse. I myself will do whatever it takes to either notify someone trying to enter the stall door with a yell, “I’m in here and there’s no lock.” Or, if it’s a public restroom pretend that you are talking on the phone to let perspective shit taker know that someone is in the stall so they won’t attempt to open it.
And if there’s a lock and you forgot to lock you’re dead to me.

Sunglasses Inside

Wearing Sunglasses inside=douchy
Wearing Sunglasses inside the gym=douchier
Wearing Sunglasses inside the steam room=Cool

Kids & Their Virtual World

I loathe the parents who let their children spend beautiful days inside playing video games.
What ever happened to the days when kids world go outside to spend the day digging a hole with a friend?
…this kid looks kind of cool though.