Good Blackouts & Bad Blackouts

I might be reaching when I say that there are such thing as a good black out, but when you’re the kind of guy who likes to let their hair down to the point of ‘losing time,’ regularly then you have to have some sort of black out barometer.
We all know what a bad black out is. A bad black out is when you wake up in a foreign land and have no idea who you got there. This could be as simple as a friend’s couch. It could also mean next to some homely-pig with a condom wrapper on the nightstand (ha ha, I’m obviously kidding about the condom). Or, in a dumpster, in jail, or literally a foreign land.
You’ve probably lost your wallet and your cell phone. If you have your cell phone it’s filled with drunk texts and tons of voicemails from people calling you before you woke up to make sure that you are okay and to let you know all the awful things that you did the night before. It’s best to delete all of these without reading or listening to them. The last thing that you want to do is actually learn what a doucher you are when you under the influence. I say delete then move on. Onward and upward.
A good black out is when you wake up in your own bed. You haven’t peed it. You have your wallet and your phone and there are no weird, creepy texts to ex girlfriends and no voicemails. Before you can go back to bed you need to follow through with one more task to ensure that it was a good black out.
You call the guy that you were with the night before. When you call and he answers you say something like, “that was a bloodbath last night.” You then wait for his response. If it’s an immediate laugh then all is good. If there’s any pause and a hint of a fake laugh then you might have done something stupid. Regardless, you need to take the extra step. You need to come clean and tell him that you blacked out. If his response is, “really? I didn’t know that you were that drunk.” Then you’re good to go. If the response is, “no shit,” then it’s best to say you have another call, hang up and curl up in your bed for three days with your cell phone off till you’re ready to face the world again.
Keep in mind though. The guy who is telling you that you were fine the night before might just be saying that because he’s worried that if he told you what you actually did, then you wouldn’t hang out anymore with him because you might consider to quit drinking.
I know…I just blew your mind.

FML status on Facebook.

You ever read somebody’s status and it says, ‘Stuck in traffic, FML.’ Really? You’re stuck in traffic therefore your entire life is fucked. The only way that I think you could use FML I’m stuck in traffic is if you added on, ‘I am stuck in traffic and a goblin just jumped in my car and raped me. That’s a pretty legit time to use FML because you’re life is kind of fucked. You’re now pregnant with goblins and if you’re pro-life you have to give birth to the goblins and raise goblins without your goblin spouse. Because you know that a goblin isn’t going to be paying child support.

My T-Shirt Idea Taken From This One

Mahogany Monday-this is when you huff mahogany varnish all the livelong day.
Testicle Tuesday-this is when you poke your own testicle with a small pin. With pain comes pleasure. I assume pleasure meaning, ‘buzz.’
Wipe Out Wednesday-self-explanatory. When you take a shit don’t wipe your ass and walk around smelling like pooh all day.
Thermos Thursday-again, pretty self-explanatory. Pee in a thermos all day and throw it on people who talk loudly on their cell phones in public.
Franken Berry Friday-Shove a cereal box of Franken’ Berry up your anus and try and walk around all day without spilling the marshmallows. You can then eat it at the end of the day as a celebration of sorts.
Sassafras Saturday-Build some pottery on heroin.
Super Terrific Sunday-Upper Deck a Church Bathroom.

VD Rampant in Retirement Communities

Kind of makes sense. Moving into a retirement community is kind of like going to college. Except you are all rickety and wrinkly.
Perhaps, their husband or wife has passed on and they realize that they have an opportunity to get some hard geriatric, fucking in. For the guys it must be great. Getting head with just the gums.
Imagine running around the halls all hopped up on medication putting out your best moves. The best part is you always have medication to blame if you do anything stupid. Like suckling the teat of a lady who fell asleep during bingo.
But with all the fun comes the downside, and if you get a VD you’re going to be known as that VD guy unless you get it taken care of. What I recommend doing is get rid of the VD then tell everyone in the place who you got it from. “Stay away from Agatha in 302. The old bag has scorching case of the gonorrhea.” “Or, balled Mabel last month and doc told me she gave me syphilis. That might account for why I’ve been earnest in only taking my medication anally.”

Delegates at UN Conference voted to give Polar Bears and Blue Fin Tuna no protection internationally. -NYT

I had no idea that you could eat Polar Bear.

Not locking the door in public bathrooms

Who are these people? Don’t look at me like I’m the asshole when I walk in on you taking a deuce. And don’t use the ‘there’s no lock on the door,’ excuse. I myself will do whatever it takes to either notify someone trying to enter the stall door with a yell, “I’m in here and there’s no lock.” Or, if it’s a public restroom pretend that you are talking on the phone to let perspective shit taker know that someone is in the stall so they won’t attempt to open it.
And if there’s a lock and you forgot to lock you’re dead to me.

Sunglasses Inside

Wearing Sunglasses inside=douchy
Wearing Sunglasses inside the gym=douchier
Wearing Sunglasses inside the steam room=Cool

Kids & Their Virtual World

I loathe the parents who let their children spend beautiful days inside playing video games.
What ever happened to the days when kids world go outside to spend the day digging a hole with a friend?
…this kid looks kind of cool though.